Posted: 10/29/2001 11:27:05 AM EDT
| Has anybody here ever been in a relationship where the woman says you do not pay attention to her enough and your to involved in your own things(I.E..guns,computers, history etc. I have been married once than divorced and just ended a relationship with another. I think my divorce happened mainly because I didn't show enough attention to my x. I don't totally blame myself but do admit that I can be selfish and involved in my own things too much. Has anyone ever been real selfish and changed themselves? is it possible? Or if you really fall in love with someone ,which I never had,you will give them the attention they need? Does selfishness prevent you from experiencing true love? Sorry for spilling my guts I just want some advice from fellow gun lovers. |
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That was my wife's biggest concern when we were newlyweds. I would spend hours programming or hacking on various projects and she would feel neglected. After a while she would say exactly that, and looking back I can see that she was right. I changed because I love her, and I take my marriage vows seriously. Of course, I was literally spending almost every waking hour at my computer when I wasn't at work, and she didn't deserve that. It was wrong of me, and once I realized it, I did my best to fix it. God Bless Texas |
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I should also add that just taking time to do something she likes or to talk with her about anything goes a long way. It's not like they want the world from us, at least not in my case. She just wants some attention and some companionship. I can't blame her for loving me and wanting to spend time with me. [:D] God Bless Texas |
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But, getting back to me.... [;)] I get this all the time from my wife and she's right. She'll yell cause I'll get home and go straight to my computer. We have to make time for our relationships. Nice things like cards and flowers about once a month don't hurt either. It is also about balance. My wife does her best to give me some free time, we actually have separate rooms so we can have our own space, but to balance that I need to spend time with her and plan and do activities with her. Gotta give a little to get a little, if ya know what I mean. In other words, stop being such a selfish bastard! |
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I have tried to base my married life on the reward system...when everything I need to do for the family is done, and they retire off to their solitary pursuits, then it's my time to get tunnel visioned, and do what *I* want to do. I reward myself. I take my cue from them, for instance, if hubby wants to watch sci-fi, (which I hate), thats my time to go online. He heads to the basement to his reloading bench, and I know he wants time alone. If he is out in the garage, hey, this is a perfect time to play Beethoven and Wagner really loud and sing and dance. For the Pursuit of Toys.....this gets a bit trickier. We both love guns and related accessories, so we simply alternate whose turn it is to buy the next one, as our tastes are a bit different from each other. We did have to learn to do things together also. I learned to appreciate his street rods, by helping, and even learning to weld a bit, sewing a velvet interior for his '55 Chev, stuff like that. My flea market skills were invaluable at the parts meets. And he and I built my '41 Pickup together. He accompanies me to the militaria shows, and actually helps me find and purchase little goodies I want for my collection, flags, badges, daggers, and such. After 30 years, we have a pretty good sense of when to help, and when to leave each other alone. The house is also big enough, that we can either choose to be together, or hide out from each other too. It's a fine line of compromise, and when you feel you have given in way too often, then you have given in just almost enough. But both partners have to be on the same rulebook, for sure. |
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i'd like to add that if you're truly in love with somebody you will want to spend time with them. not necessarily every waking moment, but you will also find yourself feeling less that pleasant if it's been too long since the two of you actually shared quality time together. since you've admitted not having this kind of love, i wouldn't be to surprised that you don't find yourself spending more time with the significant other. yes, it's an effort sometimes. but you will want to make the effort. i think that's the big difference. |
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Excerpted from Jojo's Rule book of women vol#1: (excuse the spelling, I'm drunk!) Ok, look. You have a problem. You like yourself and your time. Or so you think you have a problem. Nothing in this world is so vilified as loving oneself and cherishing oneselfs time and acheivements. The reason so many people place importants on "working for the good of another" is because they secrectly hate themselves and openly hate you. If someone demands your time and your blood to make them happy, it is just because they cannot make themselves happy and therefore demand you to sacrfice yourself to them. Do npot get yourself in a relationship where the women/man demands that you give up the enjoyments of your life for her. Nothing could be farther from the true notion of love. If you really loved someone, wouldn't you always want to see them happy??? Whatever brings them happiness yous hould always allow them to do. anyway, 64 oz. of beer is swimming in my head so i'm callling it quits. [):)] NSF |
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Quoted: Excerpted from Jojo's Rule book of women vol#1: (excuse the spelling, I'm drunk!) Ok, look. You have a problem. You like yourself and your time. Or so you think you have a problem. Nothing in this world is so vilified as loving oneself and cherishing oneselfs time and acheivements. The reason so many people place importants on "working for the good of another" is because they secrectly hate themselves and openly hate you. If someone demands your time and your blood to make them happy, it is just because they cannot make themselves happy and therefore demand you to sacrfice yourself to them. Do npot get yourself in a relationship where the women/man demands that you give up the enjoyments of your life for her. Nothing could be farther from the true notion of love. If you really loved someone, wouldn't you always want to see them happy??? Whatever brings them happiness yous hould always allow them to do. anyway, 64 oz. of beer is swimming in my head so i'm callling it quits. [):)] NSF i can't wait until you come back and read this when you're sober. [:D] i don't think he was saying that she's asking him to give up his life. at least i didn't get that impression. otherwise, your rant was pretty much right on. but it isn't exclusive to women either. |
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i pretty much a do my own thing kinda person. My wife knows this and doesn't give me much grief. It's not that i don't enjoy being with her but more when i get home i need some downtime to get my head back on straight. She used to give me the same treatment when we first got married. The she saw how much more relaxed i was when i got my alone time. She got some hobbies going and it hasn't been a problem since. |
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Since I can't get the quote function to work, Coax. Maybe you shouldn't beat yourself up too much over it. You just didn't choose a person you were compatible with. It's got nothing to do with being selfish. You just need to find a low maintenance woman who has interests of her own *besides the ones that you share as a couple*. Personally, I'm not and have never been into the clingy type women. I find the aloof ones a little more interesting ;) Keep looking, there's a helmet for every head. |