Posted: 1/19/2010 2:00:54 PM EDT
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So my fiance of 3 years decided to drop a bomb on me yesterday. She does not like me and can not stand me...
The first year we were together she cheated and lied and was like a teen who JUST got their license. We met after she left her husband and gave up custody of her son. We then had a child and moved her to TX. Now after being here for a year she decided to go back to acting like a teen. She sits on her cell phone texting all day. Has a short temper and no patience with our 1 year old and has other guys she works with numbers in her phone under girls names.... I know I am not the best guy but I mean damn. She said she "would" have loved if we could work. But she has made it clear that she does not want a relationship with me. I would fight for custody but with my job I am gone for 6 weeks and only off for 5 days. So what could I really do? I have honestly never hurt her, lied or cheated or otherwise. She wants me to stay here with her until I leave for work feb. 1st but I just can't stand to be around her. I don't really know what I am asking... Don't have any family or friends here. Opinions? |
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GTFO now before you end up in an even more screwed up situation like me:
http://www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=8&f=8&t=393716 Move closer to some family or find some other reason to stay in Texas, not really a bad place to be given the current world situation. |
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Quoted: I hate to be the first to say it. Get a DNA test, now. Then contact www.fathersforequalrights.com. I suggest before you do this to do some serious soul searching. Do you really want to know? Does it really matter? If may for you, and it may not. Only you can answer. |
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Get a lawyer NOW!!!! You need to start protecting yourself NOW!!! It is very easy to be married via common law in Texas. Ie. You say it to three or more people that you are married. She ordered magazines, checks, bills and used your last name.
You want to start getting collecting evidence now. Keep it a friends house or your lawyer office. I would try to get costudy of the child (this can and will be hard in Texas). Talk with family member to see if they can help you with raise the child and/or start looking for a different line of work. It is going to be a fight and remeber there is always a winner and a loser. You need to fight to be the winner no matter what anyone but your lawyer says!! Good Luck. |
| Married for going on 10 years now, but over that time, nearly all of my friends and many relatives have been divorced. What you are going through is part of nothing less than a pandemic. The pinko/commie brainwashing that started in the 60's has been very "successful". Destroy the family and everything else will follow. |
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Get a lawyer NOW!!!! You need to start protecting yourself NOW!!! It is very easy to be married via common law in Texas. Ie. You say it to three or more people that you are married. Good Luck. THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT! If you hold yourself out as a couple ONE time in Texas you are married. There is no magic number of nights spent at another's home or anything else. If you represent yourself as married you are. If you have a minor child here in Texas it is VERY likely you will go to family court to figure out visitation. A divorce guy is what you want for that. You don't need the lying bitch and the pussy was not that good anyway. Be civil for the sake of the child. That kid WILL remember you for good or ill forever. Take it easy man, You are in a rough place right now but it WILL get better with time. SS |
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Get a lawyer NOW!!!! You need to start protecting yourself NOW!!! It is very easy to be married via common law in Texas. Ie. You say it to three or more people that you are married. She ordered magazines, checks, bills and used your last name. You want to start getting collecting evidence now. Keep it a friends house or your lawyer office. I would try to get costudy of the child (this can and will be hard in Texas). Talk with family member to see if they can help you with raise the child and/or start looking for a different line of work. It is going to be a fight and remeber there is always a winner and a loser. You need to fight to be the winner no matter what anyone but your lawyer says!! Good Luck. +1, maybe get a nanny for the kid as well as find work that keeps you at home. Dont give the broad any sympathy at all. Think of yourself and the kid. Shit I cant imagine having to be raised by that bitch. If you have any guns, get them out of the house right now! She can use them against you in a custody battle. I had a friend in San Antonio, him and wife with 2 kids getting divorced, they separated, they were both into shooting sports, she tells her lawyer who tells his lawyer that she wants all the guns that she paid for, I.E. hers, he says no problem, she says bring them over on such and such day ( a saturday), when he gets to the house the wife and kids are outside on the front lawn, he says "hey kids, hi so and so", "got your stuff here in the trunk so and so", she says "front door is open", "just take them in and put them on couch", the second he takes them out of the trunk, the lying bitch jumps up and starts running all over the street screaming "he's gonna kill us!", "please somebody stop him", "don't let him kill my baby's !". Fucking neighbor runs out of house and almost shoots him, cops show up, arrest him, take all the guns. Point is, don't underestimate a broad like this. She will lye and play the whole system against you anyway she can. Lawyer up, and take no chances. Good luck. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does start to get better at some point. Went through it too. |
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Get a lawyer NOW!!!! You need to start protecting yourself NOW!!! It is very easy to be married via common law in Texas. Ie. You say it to three or more people that you are married. Good Luck. THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT! If you hold yourself out as a couple ONE time in Texas you are married. Just quoting the FACTS as I personally read them in my attorny's office. He had a nice little book on divorces. As I remember it had to be infront of three or more people. |
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How does joint custody work?
If I talked her into that, would that mean neither of us pay child support? That would probably be best since I highly doubt I would be able to get full custody and even if I was able I would not be able to even see my child but for a couple days every couple months. |
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I hate to sound like an ass, but how did you get yourself in this mess? She was obviously a childish, self-centered bitch when you got together, and leaving her husband and abandoning her own child should have told you something about her. Oh, well, what's done is done.
But now you have a dilemma - either you're going to be a single dad or you're going to force her to take responsibility for the kid. The courts will almost always give the mother custody of children in a divorce unless her head is spinning around in the courtroom and she's power-hurling green vomit on the judge. That means you will get tagged for child support until the child turns 18, but you're going to end up supporting him/her one way or the other. I don't mean to sound cold, but you might want to cut your losses by getting a divorce, giving her custody, and sending her ass packing. It doesn't *sound* like you're extremely close to the kid anyway (I could be wrong about that, of course). But getting the skag out of your life right now might be the best thing you ever did - even if you do end up sending support checks to the court for the next 17 years. You have basically effed up and need to start over, and the sooner you get on with a real life the better off you'll be. Just my two bits. . . |
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How does joint custody work? If I talked her into that, would that mean neither of us pay child support? That would probably be best since I highly doubt I would be able to get full custody and even if I was able I would not be able to even see my child but for a couple days every couple months. Joint custody is pretty much the standard anymore, and it's more of a BS PC thing than anything else. What it boils down to is the child still stays with one parent most of the time, with the other parent having visitation. The primary custody parent has the right to determine the child's residence, and yes, the other parent will usually pay child support. Thats the $0.02 version, a lawyer can explain it much better than I. |
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How does joint custody work? If I talked her into that, would that mean neither of us pay child support? That would probably be best since I highly doubt I would be able to get full custody and even if I was able I would not be able to even see my child but for a couple days every couple months. Joint custody is pretty much the standard anymore, and it's more of a BS PC thing than anything else. What it boils down to is the child still stays with one parent most of the time, with the other parent having visitation. The primary custody parent has the right to determine the child's residence, and yes, the other parent will usually pay child support. Thats the $0.02 version, a lawyer can explain it much better than I. Having spent 2 years fighting for custody of my son, I have a little insight on the subject. First, go talk to not just 1 lawyer, but a couple of them. Most offer free consultations. They can give listen to your situation and suggest your options. Second, don't think that you can just come up with a verbal agreement with the mother and think you will save money by not getting a lawyer. It will only cost you 10x as much later when things don't work out. Third, the court system is biased towards the mother. Doesn't matter how bad the mother is and how good the father is, the mother will still get the benefit of the doubt. Fourth, most judges don't want to have to make a decision, they want you two and your lawyers to work something out and then the judge just signs off on it. As stated, split/joint custody means both parents have access to the child, but one parent gets to decide where that kid lives. That doesn't necessarily mean live with you, you could choose to have him live with some of your family if they are nearby. As far as the child support goes, there are standards set by the state, but that doesn't have to be followed. It all comes down to what you and this woman agree to. In order to get custody of my son, I had to back off the fight to get his mother to pay me child support. It sucks as I know if the rolls were reversed I would be getting nailed for child support, but I wanted my son and gave in to get him. As this woman/girl gave up on her other kid, it doesn't sound like she is fit or willing to take care of yours. It's easy to want to just walk away from the entire situation and wash your hands of it, but is that what you want to do to your kid? And can you live with that the rest of your life? Do some soul searching and decide what you want to do. We can all tell you what we think you should do or what is the right thing to do, but you have to decide that on your own as you have to live it. It won't be easy either way and may require some sacrifices including your job. If you have family near you that can act as a support system, that is a huge help. As mentioned above, there are some groups that help fathers with court/custody issues and I think some single father support groups as well. |
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That's good info and advice from Captexas. My own reply might have sounded cold and heartless, but was an attempt to be realistic about a tough situation.
There are so many aspects to this kind of situation that have to be considered. Will you end up resenting the child (even subconsciously) if you get custody? Will you resent the mother if you DON'T? Will you regret giving up the child (even if you get visitation)? Will the child be okay with the mother? (You wouldn't want to turn him/her over to the mother if she is a druggie or abusive or doesn't have some kind of family support system, etc.) Can YOU be a good father if you take full custody? Are you prepared to take on the responsibility of raising the child on your own? Will the child be able to grow up without psychological baggage after all this? You've helped bring a child into the world, and you owe that child a chance at a decent life. You have to decide how best to satisfy that responsibility. No one here can do anything but give you thoughts and ideas ... it's up to you to take them in, do the soul-searching Captexas suggests, and then do the right thing. WHATEVER that is. Oh, and don't forget that you have yourself to consider, too. I'm not saying to be selfish and ignore the welfare of others, but being the white knight might not be the ultimate right answer for everyone involved. In that regard, you might do well to get some psychological counseling as well as legal counseling. |
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Ya know I thought that because of the possibility that the boy may not be mine... I also fell head over heels for him. He is amazing and I love him to no end.
Even if he was not mine I would still raise him because... well I just can't explain it. Any of you that are parents understand. I hate her to no end... But I do love her. Seeing her with another guy will kill me but... it would not make me resent my child. I do appreciate all the input y'all. I am not taking anything anyone says as harsh or cold. I welcome the advice from those of you who have been there. As of now I am going to try to save face and be friendly until I can get the joint custody set up, with which I will try to get her to see that I should be the primary guardian but he will live with her for most of the year. That way she will not have to pay any kind of child support and I would actually be helping her out with money. As I work from Feb. to Oct. I am laid off from Oct. to Feb. So during that time I will draw unemployment and take care of him. I agreed that I would get a apartment near here so that when he starts school I will be able to drive him each morning. Sound good? Further advice? |
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How does joint custody work? If I talked her into that, would that mean neither of us pay child support? That would probably be best since I highly doubt I would be able to get full custody and even if I was able I would not be able to even see my child but for a couple days every couple months. Joint custody is pretty much the standard anymore, and it's more of a BS PC thing than anything else. What it boils down to is the child still stays with one parent most of the time, with the other parent having visitation. The primary custody parent has the right to determine the child's residence, and yes, the other parent will usually pay child support. Thats the $0.02 version, a lawyer can explain it much better than I. Having spent 2 years fighting for custody of my son, I have a little insight on the subject. First, go talk to not just 1 lawyer, but a couple of them. Most offer free consultations. They can give listen to your situation and suggest your options. Second, don't think that you can just come up with a verbal agreement with the mother and think you will save money by not getting a lawyer. It will only cost you 10x as much later when things don't work out. Third, the court system is biased towards the mother. Doesn't matter how bad the mother is and how good the father is, the mother will still get the benefit of the doubt. Fourth, most judges don't want to have to make a decision, they want you two and your lawyers to work something out and then the judge just signs off on it. As stated, split/joint custody means both parents have access to the child, but one parent gets to decide where that kid lives. That doesn't necessarily mean live with you, you could choose to have him live with some of your family if they are nearby. As far as the child support goes, there are standards set by the state, but that doesn't have to be followed. It all comes down to what you and this woman agree to. In order to get custody of my son, I had to back off the fight to get his mother to pay me child support. It sucks as I know if the rolls were reversed I would be getting nailed for child support, but I wanted my son and gave in to get him. As this woman/girl gave up on her other kid, it doesn't sound like she is fit or willing to take care of yours. It's easy to want to just walk away from the entire situation and wash your hands of it, but is that what you want to do to your kid? And can you live with that the rest of your life? Do some soul searching and decide what you want to do. We can all tell you what we think you should do or what is the right thing to do, but you have to decide that on your own as you have to live it. It won't be easy either way and may require some sacrifices including your job. If you have family near you that can act as a support system, that is a huge help. As mentioned above, there are some groups that help fathers with court/custody issues and I think some single father support groups as well. +1, I would add that in my direct experiance don't fall for the joint custody thing if you want any say so about the kid at all. Joint custody is a bullshit term they came up with to lull the man into signing the dam papers. As happened to me, you think joint means joint right?, wrong. You think because it says decision making joint, etc. joint, etc. joint. Wrong again. WHOM EVER THE KID "RESIDES WITH" HAS ALL THE SAY SO. PERIOD. Fuck legal interpatation, my lawyer told me I had all the same rights, say so, etc., wrong. You have all the rights and say so that you can afford. And guess what?, even if you had the money to go back and fight the hore, most lawyers want a slam dunk, and wont take your case. Thats if they are honest. Some will tell you they can make it happen when if fact they know you have no chance, and just want to take your money. If you let the kid live with her you will be reduced to a money machine, and baby sitter when she wants to go out. Any time you protest anything she is doing wrong to the kid, she will cause you problems, with the cops, with cps, whomever. Because she will discover that these morons will believe most anything she says. I have about 4 other buddies from military and civilian life that have had the same exact experiance. Another dozen other guys indirectly, friend of a friend etc. Point is, get it right the first time. If you don't care about the kid, then joint custody is exactly what you want. If you do, joint custody will only work as long as "the child will reside with the father most of the time", except for the visitation she gets. It took me 16 years, 22k in airline tickets, 15k in attorneys fees, and another 3k for a private investigator, (see useless dirtbag). Not to mention the stress, fighting, lost sleep, and anguish watching the bitch fuck up your kids lives every other day. After all that, the oldest moved in with me at 18 (bitch kicked her out when she wasn't getting money any more), the youngest at 16, after agreeing to wave child support from her, and pay all attorneys fees. Thats all they are to the woman, little cash machines, the kid will not see a nickel of any money you send her. Think about all this before you agree to "joint custody" or anything else. Good luck. |
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Quoted: Ya know I thought that because of the possibility that the boy may not be mine... I also fell head over heels for him. He is amazing and I love him to no end. Even if he was not mine I would still raise him because... well I just can't explain it. Any of you that are parents understand. I hate her to no end... But I do love her. Seeing her with another guy will kill me but... it would not make me resent my child. I do appreciate all the input y'all. I am not taking anything anyone says as harsh or cold. I welcome the advice from those of you who have been there. As of now I am going to try to save face and be friendly until I can get the joint custody set up, with which I will try to get her to see that I should be the primary guardian but he will live with her for most of the year. That way she will not have to pay any kind of child support and I would actually be helping her out with money. As I work from Feb. to Oct. I am laid off from Oct. to Feb. So during that time I will draw unemployment and take care of him. I agreed that I would get a apartment near here so that when he starts school I will be able to drive him each morning. Sound good? Further advice? If there is any doubt in your mind then you need the paternity test to be done. Even if there isn't I'd still do it. You can do a non-binding test on the somewhat cheap these days, without really anyone knowing it's being done. If the answer is negative, then you pony up for another one that's court binding and costs more. No one says you can't raise/take care of a child you love, but if the paternity test is negative to you, it will be a game changer on many fronts. Also, I'd be careful about claims of taking care of the child if someday she decides to go live with the biological father...you get on the hook for child support, and he gets to raise his son. You get nadda, nothing, naray. The truth will set you free, which ever way it comes out. |
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Not to be a dick but I'm still trying to understand how/why you chose to have a kid with a chick who cheated on and lied to you during the very first year you were together; after all, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  amen. honestly... I didn't plan on havin a child with her. Was pretty sure the child was not mine to start off with as I knew she had slept with another guy 9 months to the very DAY they told her she was due. So it was really one of those things that just kinda played out. The guy was a coward and I figured hell, ya know what. I'd rather raise a child that was not mine than let him grow up knowing a coward for a father. So I put it in my head that it was my child and just kinda played make believe.. but oh man... The kid came out looking just like me... she and the other guy are both brown hair brown eyed. I am blonde and blue. sure enough the lil guy is blonde and blue. The kinda child that would have made hitler's "superior" race list lol. But now that I have been raising him for a year... well I really could not walk away from him. I would not.. walk away. To me there are certain things that make a man and this child, my son, is one of those things. I am on the birth cert. and have been there from start to finish. So I am goin to get a lawyer, she is 100% on board and being civil. So while I have her being so cooperative I am goin to get her to sign joint custody, with me being the primary caretaker. She would then actually take care of him for about 8 months out of the year and me 4, while I am laid off. This way I know I am not goin to get hit with child support and worse comes to worse I could actually hit her for it. Only thing I have asked of her is to not bring him around any guys she dates. I will still be helping her out for the 8 months she has him by giving her $200 a week. This way 10 years down the road if she decided to be a bitch and go for full custody or primary caretaker I won't be hit with back child support after already supporting him. I really do appreciate all the advice folks. Got a plan and goin to try to execute. ETA: All else fails mag dump and blade it right?
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...I am goin to get a lawyer, she is 100% on board and being civil. So while I have her being so cooperative I am goin to get her to sign joint custody, with me being the primary caretaker. She would then actually take care of him for about 8 months out of the year and me 4, while I am laid off. This way I know I am not goin to get hit with child support and worse comes to worse I could actually hit her for it. Only thing I have asked of her is to not bring him around any guys she dates. I will still be helping her out for the 8 months she has him by giving her $200 a week. This way 10 years down the road if she decided to be a bitch and go for full custody or primary caretaker I won't be hit with back child support after already supporting him...] Your plan (as stated above} sounds good in theory, but in practice, not so much. As has been previously mentioned, "joint custody" is a fallacy; unless you are the court-ordered custodial parent, you're always going to be behind the proverbial 8-ball as regards custody and child support. In addition, your plan also requires you to put an enormous amount of trust in a woman who has done nothing whatsoever to deserve that trust, so thinking that she won't ever have your child around other men or ever go after you at some future point in time for child support seems a bit naive, to say the least. My advice: Get the best, baddest-ass, pitbull of an attorney you can afford and do whatever he tells you to do. Good luck; you sound like a stand-up guy... |