[ARCHIVED THREAD] - CTHTF joke thread (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 5/30/2014 4:18:32 PM EDT
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Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!" The second hunter says,"I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission." |
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Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys. All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car. "What was that mommy" says Johnny. "Oh... it was a fly", replies the mother, slightly embarrassed. "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the dick on him!" |
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A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.
He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari!" The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?" |
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Two sharks, a father and son, are swimming in the ocean when they come across the survivors of a shipwreck.
The son says to dad, "Hey, lets swim up there and eat those creatures!" "Whoa. Slow down, son. This is the plan. We're going to swim to the surface so they see our fins, circle around them five or six times, THEN eat them. Got it?" "Why do we do it like that, dad?" "Trust me, son. They taste much better once all the shit's out of them." |
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Here's a good one:
“If you like your doctor, you will be able to keep your doctor. Period. If you like your health care plan, you will be able to keep your health care plan. Period. No one will take it away. No matter what.” “My administration is committed to creating an unprecedented level of openness in government.” “We agree on reforms that will finally reduce the costs of health care. Families will save on their premiums…” “I don’t want to pit Red America against Blue America. I want to be the president? of the United States of America.” “We’ve got shovel-ready projects all across the country that governors and mayors are pleading to fund. And the minute we can get those investments to the state level, jobs are going to be created.” “I will sign a universal health-care bill into law by the end of my first term as president that will cover every American and cut the cost of a typical family’s premium by up to $2,500 a year.” “For people with insurance, the only impact of the health-care law is that their insurance is stronger, better, and more secure than it was before. Full stop. That’s it. They don’t have to worry about anything else.” “We will revisit the Patriot Act and overturn unconstitutional executive decisions issued during the past eight years.” “Will ensure that federal contracts over $25,000 are competitively bid.” “We reject sweeping claims of ‘inherent’ presidential power.” “We’ve got to spend some money now to pull us out of this recession. But as soon as we’re out of this recession, we’ve got to get serious about starting to live within our means, instead of leaving debt for our children and our grandchildren and our great-grandchildren.” “Today I’m pledging to cut the deficit we inherited in half by the end of my first term in office. This will not be easy. It will require us to make difficult decisions and face challenges we’ve long neglected. But I refuse to leave our children with a debt that they cannot repay – and that means taking responsibility right now, in this administration, for getting our spending under control.” “I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear that I will execute the office of president of the United States faithfully, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States.” |
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." |
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A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies; "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, " Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Lisa! What seems to be the rush? The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it." |
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not a joke, but pretty funny
just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass |
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not a joke, but pretty funny just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass Lulz Better than the glass! |
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not a joke, but pretty funny just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass There is a Polock joke in there somewhere involving a screen door & a submarine. 
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Canadian french joke.
A frenchman from Gatineau named Jacques wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Widout numbers? Dat is easy." And Jacques proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Jacques. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." Jacques stares into space for awhile. He then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go" says Jacques. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Exasperated, Jacques explained, "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, hit's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's actually going to have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but this time you must represent the number 100." Jacques stared into space some more; then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" Jacques leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and he make some crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... "So, when I start, tabernac?!" |
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Lulz Better than the glass! Quoted:
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not a joke, but pretty funny just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass Lulz Better than the glass! i couldnt believe i did it, my buddies girl and my girl were on the ground laughing |
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There is a Polock joke in there somewhere involving a screen door & a submarine.
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not a joke, but pretty funny just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass There is a Polock joke in there somewhere involving a screen door & a submarine.
the joke is the polock just being a polock, lol |
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Indian joke.
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why there was a difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his reply was: "Only have one woman: one woman, one feather." Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women: two women, two feathers." Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat, and tall. Me sleep with 'em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "You damn right. Me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with 'em all." With tears in her eyes, Ms Walters cried, "Oh dear!" The Chief said, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast." |
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Terrorist joke.
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other. The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No shit?" God Bless America ! |
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i couldnt believe i did it, my buddies girl and my girl were on the ground laughing Quoted:
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not a joke, but pretty funny just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass Lulz Better than the glass! i couldnt believe i did it, my buddies girl and my girl were on the ground laughing I'm on the ground laughing!!! |
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I'm on the ground laughing!!! Quoted:
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not a joke, but pretty funny just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass Lulz Better than the glass! i couldnt believe i did it, my buddies girl and my girl were on the ground laughing I'm on the ground laughing!!! It was pretty good. Runner up for America's funny home vids for sure Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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not a joke, but pretty funny just finished helping a friend move into his house yesterday went home to get the girl and some food to grill came back, was going outside to put the chicken on the grill, and i walked right through the fucking screen door, wasnt even drunk what a dumbass I was wondering what your FB status was all about. ha Makes sense now. |
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A WOMAN'S PRAYER Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a'twitchin, In the hall, in the garden and in the kitchen! I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen A MAN'S PRAYER Lord, I pray for a nympho with nice boobs who owns a liquor store and likes to fish. Amen |
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A WOMAN'S PRAYER Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a'twitchin, In the hall, in the garden and in the kitchen! I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen A MAN'S PRAYER Lord, I pray for a nympho with nice boobs who owns a liquor store and likes to fish. Amen Eerily similar to my wedding vows....
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A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
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A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." Bravo! 
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I like this one...
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they decide to go to his apartment. In the bedroom, there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand. The woman asks, "What's that for?" The guy says, "Well, that's a talking clock. Here... I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and it makes a tremendously loud sound, that takes a while to fade away. When the sound dies away, a voice from the other side of the wall yells, "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"
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A little boy gets off the bus after school and sees his dad drive into the woods near by with Aunt Sally
Excited he runs to watch them and then runs home tell his mother what he saw. Excitedly he begins to tell her what he saw " mom, I saw Aunt Sally and dad kiss, then dad took off Aunties shirt and Auntie took off dad's pants and then..." The boys mother stopped him and said," son it's such a good story why don't you wait to tell daddy at dinner so he can enjoy the story too?" The boy was excited, so when dad got home he started the story again "daddy I saw you drive into the woods today with Aunt Sally, so I followed you and watched. First you and Aunt Sally started kissing, then you took off Aunt Sallys shirt, then Aunt Sally took off your pants..." "Then you and Aunt Sally started doing the same things that Mommy and Uncle Billy were doing last month when you were away on business " |
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A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known. The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
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"T-G-I-F" vs "S-H-I-T"
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means "Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, yes, 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." |
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Two old ladies are out front of the retirement home, having a cigarette.
It starts to rain so lady 1 ; pulls a condom out of her purse, opens it up, tears the tip off and slides it over her cigarette. Lady 2 asks,"What's that for?". "Its so you can smoke in the rain, with out getting your cigarette wet.", she replies. A couple days later, on a trip to town, lady 2 heads to the drug store. She asks the pharmacist if he could help her purchase some condoms. He thinks, if this old lady needs rubbers I'm not going to stop her. So, he asks," what size do you need?". The woman replies, "Ah, anything that will fit a camel!". |
