Posted: 2/8/2008 10:08:45 AM EDT
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Well after 10 years of marriage my wife comes to me and lets out everything she's held in for over 10 years out, and let me say, I was blindsided. Lots of crap came out which we worked together to come up with solutions to and she had valid complaints which I needed to address, some were my issues some hers. But this is the one that's putting our marriage on the rocks, and I mean that to the fullest, talks of separation/divorce. Evidently, she's not comfortable with me having a CCW and carrying nor is she comfortable w/guns in the house (which are all locked up in my safe @ all times except for my carry.) She can't come up w/a valid reason of why they shouldn't be in the house, only that she's not comfortable w/it. I'm obviously not cool w/any of this talk. She states that by me keeping them it is disrespectful to her feelings and that's what the main issue has come down to. We got together before I was 21 and I owned no guns myself @ the time, shortly after turning 21, I bought my first pistol & CCW. I am a strong supporter of the 2nd Amendment and am not about to give up that right/duty to anyone, family/govt, however she's currently at the point where it's a choose her & our 2 children or my guns. Damnit, what the hell is her problem? I'm about out of ways to try and talk this through w/her and there hasn't been a solution yet that makes any sense. I love her w/everything inside of me and I don't want to see our marriage dissolve, but I don't know what other options there are. Anyone else go through this personally & have any advice? We just sat through our 1st session of marriage counseling last night, al ot of fun that was let me tell ya, never saw myself being there. She's stated she's either going to have to find a way of dealing w/my hobby or belief in personal protection or choose to part ways. Should the worst thing happen (separation/divorce) there's absolutely no way I'd be able to take it to court, her family's loaded & would back her up w/money that I just have no access to. Anyone who's a father here would understand what a guy would do to keep his children, but she's got me beat when it comes to money/lawyer. So, guess what I'm looking for is a little advice if there's any to be had here, and seriously, don't post any "get rid of the bitch" talk, that's not cool w/me as I desperately want to work this out. TIA |
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Not to put too fine of a point on it, but you're talking about ending a presumably good relationship with two kids over objects. Hmmm...family or guns. If it were me, I'd choose family and work to keep the guns or make her feel comfortable with them. But then this is a single guy who's never been married before talking. 
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And suprisingly accurate, says a guy who's been married and divorced.... FAMILY > ALL |
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How long have you guys been together? How long have you had guns before all of this? There has to be some way to show her that you guys are responsible for your own protection. Law enforcement is a reactive system. They are not going to be able to help you and you family if the worst happens. YOU are responsible for your own protection. That seems to change a lot of minds when they think about it. The issue is how. ruff situation  Try and see if you can find out what exactly she has an issue with. Maybe she should watch this www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20058137/displaymode/1107//s/2/framenumber/1 so she can see where you and others are coming from. I am really of no help. I am sorry. Best of luck to you! As said above, family is what is most important. JUST TRY AND CHANGE HER MIND!!
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Something to think about... If she leaves and takes the kids, What are the chances of seeing your kids when she tells the court you have "Dangerous Weapons" around the house and yourself? Your in a tough situation. I would choose my family over objects but she wants to take away the very thing that is protecting them. I would probably give them up but would sure have a complex if something happened and I wasn't prepared anymore.
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Family is greater than all, fine a trustworthy person to hold your gunsafe so you can access your guns. That way, you dont lose your guns and still salvage your relationship if it's even possible. Personally, if that was brought up to me, the action alone would jeprodize my view of the relationship more so than the fact that she wants the firearms out of the house. Seems like a lack of communication... |
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My guess is that there is more to this than just the firearms, but they are a useful issue to hang a separation and divorce on. Only further investigation (possibly through counseling) will truly reveal what are the real reasons. From my own observational experience, I would ask you a couple of questions: 1 - "How are things financially for you as a family?" 2 - "Do you have any faith/religion/church you can call upon?" 3 - "Are firearms really the only make or break issue? (my way or the highway type)" I would counsel you to talk to a divorce attorney yourself at your earliest convenience to figure out your options. I would not be surprised if your wife already has, and is laying the groundwork for a divorce anyway. If she has vastly more resources than you through her family, the court can make her pay your lawyers fees too. Women do it all the time to their husbands during divorce, and it can work out the other way too. I have to be honest and say that if your wife will not compromise in any way over firearm ownership, then your marriage is doomed. If forced to get rid of everything, you may well last a few more years, but eventually you'll be so resentful that it will poison everything. And your kids will know it. Separation and divorce doesn't mean you have to stop being a great father though, and while divorces are very expensive (sometimes cripplingly so), you are likely young enough to be able to weather it. You have my deepest condolences regarding this situation. It will take the wisdom of Solomon to figure this one out. Sincerely 7.62 |
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Take all your guns and give them to your closest buddy. Tell him they are still yours but he can use them all he wants for storing them off site for you (Also tell him you will kill him if anything happens to the guns). Take your carry and hide it in your truck if you want to keep it close to you. Tell your wife the guns are out of the house which isn't a lie because they are out of the house. my 2cents PNW |
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Sorry to hear about your problem. Unfortunately, ALL marriages have problems. Some can be solved and some can't. There are a limitied amount of sacrifices you can make.  If you get rid of your toys, how do you know that more issues like this won't pop up. For those that are single, stay that way! My $0.02. Spambo |
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I don't have any constructive advice and if I did I probably wouldn't be the person to give it. However I will state my opinion since this is out there on the internets. In my opinion the gun issue is just an excuse for some other issue she doesn't want to admit to you (and probably to herself). You didn't say how old she is but I'll assume she too was under 21 before you were married. There seems to be a common occurance where someone that commits that young decides after they've been in a relationship for a while that they might be missing something. I would look there first but like I said, I don't have anything constructive. Plus, I know nothing about you other than what you posted here. Good luck, sincerely. |
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the guns aren't the problem... as long as you're not running around the house in your Rambo underoo's with an AK yelling 'bang, bang - die bastards' seriously, seek some marriage counseling. don't forget. if you give them up and nothing gets better, you lose both the family and the guns... just saying. |
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Lemme guess... She had a weak wimpy or absent father? Inanimate objects are not the issue. Your role as husband, father, and the protector of the family is something she is not comfortable with. She is willing to tear the family apart to stop you. She wants to be like her mom. I hope I am wrong
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100% on the money! Her dad bailed when she was 2, step dad came in when she was 12 and he's really cool, but mom is 100% anti-gun. The other issues were just standard things like helping out more w/the kids, house etc.... Those issues are easy to address and they have been, she's noticed and appreciates it. The guns on the other hand she says is the only thing she has an issue with evidently. We both don't want a divorce/separation, but it has been brought up by her if we can't figure something out to address her concerns. |
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Power play, that's obvious, but don't take it lightly, just try to imagine what it took for her to come to you and to make a threat like that. take it serious, very serious. What you do now, will pay big one way or another later on down the road. As another member from here always tells me, keep an eye on the bigger picture. Family first and foremost, don't make the same mistakes I did. Explore any and all avenues, but do it with an open mind. If you don't truly believe it's worth saving, then don't waste everyone's time. |
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I didn't read all the responses. Yes Family is greater than all- but unless something happened to turn her view of guns, she should also respect your desire to own them. it goes to ways. One word on this- Counseling. Me and my wife have been throug hell- and to crawl out of it you need a disinterested third party sometimes |
I agree, I will step up!!! I will go ahead and keep your guns for you. I will treat them very well, kind of like my own. I will put them in my climate controlled safe and when you need them, no problem.
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I agree 100%. Family is the most important thing and if there were bigger issues than guns I'd say give it up but guns . Either there is something else underneath that issue or she is simply just afraid of them. Either way I think that Counseling is your number one priority.The next thing I would do is take and ask a GOOD friend to store the majority of your guns temporarily . Do this as a sign that you recognize her concerns but that you need her to recognize your right to a hobby you enjoy. Then I would try to break her in shooting a suppressed .22 or soemthing small like that. In my expericences with anti-gunners many of them have simply NEVER handled or shot a firearm. My wife has a friend like that who won't allow her husband firearms. Well I am working on him to buy one or two and have asked if she would come shooting with us soemtime. I figure I'd start her on the suppressed 10/22 then work up slowly. I wish I had better advice but the best thing is family first...always. |
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Sorry to hear of your problems. There's a ton of really good advice here. In particular, I thought the post from 7.62 was great. Also, peta's advice to retain focus on the long-term big-picture goals is good. Decide where you want to be in 5 years. Write it on note and stick it on your dash or something like that. Other thoughts: Let's say that you wake up tomorrow, decide the guns mean nothing to you compared to your marriage and living in the same house with your kids; and so you sell all of the guns. Next February, how will things be going? Completely hunky dory? If so, your wife is an interesting person. If not, then the guns aren't the prmary issue. I agree that a good marital counselor will be instrumental in bringing that out. Maintain a level playing field. I'm not trying to compare your marriage to a game. I understand that you are in a crisis and this is not a game. But you have already entered negotiations. Unfortunately, all negotiations share some things in common. Nobody respects a push-over and nobody respects a bully, so don't be either. Some day when the marriage counselor has her on her toes, ask her point blank if she wants to be married to you 10 years from now. If she won't look you in the eye and yell YES, then you better ask yourself whats best for you and your kids, and start working towards that. Good luck! |
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It took her ten years to figure this out!!! who has she been talking to? All that a side. moving the guns out to respect her uncomfortableness, is a good option. then bring up how uncomfortable you are and how she is not respecking you....... this would be fair but unproductive. she has been influanced by something or someone and is not concernd about you. how have you been treating her, don't answer, just think about it. you might mention that you would like to work on the other isues first, and out of respect for her you will not have the guns out where she or the kids can see them and will not talk about them for the rest of the year, and then you guys can talk about it next jan. this may adress the resect issue and give you time to correct the other problems. if everything else works out it may be a non-isue next year. Good luck!!!!!!! with the family, not the guns. I would offer to store the guns for you but I'm sufe you have friends and family that would be a better chocie for you, if it comes to moving them out. |
To me it really sounded like she was using the guns as a vehicle for some sort of point of contention. I mean its a great and convenient way to give credibility to her arguments as well as use against you later on if things get worse (i.e. something like: he would always leave his gun(s) where the kids could get them or something like that). Makes you seem like a reckless person or a bad guy, and make it easier for her to get what she wants in a sympathetic court. The other thing is that it could be a control related issue (a little less likely). She might be trying to gain dominance over you buy making you give up something that you love to do. Crackin the P-whip of sorts. For all this to come out of the blue means that there is some SERIOUS communication problems with both parties involved. There is still more that is going to come out that she has buried away deep, and its stuff that she is very much not comfortable talking to anyone about, I guarantee it. Frankly I do not know if I were in your shoes if I would try to get out of her what the root cause of the problem is. This is something that will probably take some sort of therapy or psychiatry to get to the bottom of. The really hard part is a.) realizing what the root cause of the problem is (on her part mainly) and b.) wanting to change and bringing about said change. All in all I think TFT nailed this one on the head. She has some daddy issues, she doesn't know she has some daddy issues, mom probably isn't helping the daddy issues, and now you get to enjoy the fallout. But in the end something is fishy to me. Out of the blue, threatening to end the marriage over the fact that you have guns and have had guns for how many years? To me thats a real weak argument to throw out the D word over. Something else is definitely going on here. But best advice I can give (and its a little of a 180) is treat her like a queen. Don't spoil her rotten, just do things that are extremely thoughtful a lot of the time. Like house work, making dinner, back massages, what ever it takes to make her life a little easier/better (this is assuming you don't do any of the above already) and make her feel more loved. I try to do this with my wife and it works quite well. I always look at it as I am not doing my job as a husband well or good enough and always try to do better. My wife sees this and she does the same back. But every person and relationship is different. Can't say that this will solve everything, but it might help a bit. |
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Suggestion.......how about a step at a time? Is she willing to take some time, break the issues down into sizeable bites? It took you ten years to get here........it doesn't get fixed in 10days. Can't you put guns to the bottom of the list and take care of the other grievences first? Maybe she should take a gun safety class or go to a ladies only night shoot. I am sure she is spooked by firearms if all she learned from mom and the media was fear. I know I am preaching to the choir when I say, my handgun is a tool, it might as well be a hammer and I pray I never have to use it. But it is there if I need it. I too have been married for ten years, have 2 kids and I have gone back to my roots enjoying the outdoors, fishing, hunting and shooting..... I am lucky in that my wife(who can outshoot me) appreciates my CHL and concern for safety....but still can't figure out why I a want more guns. |
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Thanks for all the replies/advice. Good info here even when it comes to sappy relationship problems. As far as the post before this one, think that's exactly what I'm going to try, the other issues are being addressed and we're both happy with the results so far, if it means store all the guns except for my carry gun @ my parents house for a while so be it. That won't make me happy, but better than the alternative, I'm still going to try and figure out how all the guns being locked up in a safe bolted to concrete is causing concern for her, and what the difference is between them being locked up @ my house or locked up somewhere else is, because no one can get into it but me. Who knows. And yeah, again we've started up some marital counseling to try to patch things back together, hope it helps. Thanks again guys. |
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Go out and buy the book " The five love languages" Its basically about the five different ways to communicate with your spouse. Some women like quality time some like gifts and so on. It is a good book with lots of great tips on better connecting with your wife. It turned out my wife wasn't so upset about my gun habit but rather the time I spent on it was really cutting into the family time. Hope this helps and good luck. |
+1 on this one. As a divorce attorney I would recomend the book "If Only He Knew" by Gary Smalley. It is a Christian book and if that is not a focus of your life then read around it. The book provides some good wise mechanisms to help your realationship. It is a real easy read - not too long. Personally I would begin by validating her concerns and agreeing to work with her to solve them because she is #1 to you. Don't, whatever you do, give her any answers. Men are problem solvers and solution driven for the most part. Women, generally speaking, are not. Listen to her concerns. Show her empathy for these unresolved offenses. Don't try to fix them right away. The next step is to sell some(maybe just one) firearm and buy her something (or take her somewhere - romantic). Leave the guns (all of them) behind if you take her somewhere. Don't go shooting, talk about guns, read any gun magazines or catalogues for a while. She needs to validate that you have a hobby and you certainly are entitled to enjoy your hobby. Keep the "Give me liberty or give me death" 2A speeches to your self when at home. That's my .02. Be careful of advice. It is always given, regularly followed and many times regretted. Read the book, it's cheap, it's easy, and it will help you speek her language. |