Posted: 6/21/2008 1:36:43 AM EDT
Not had this for a while, i'll start  Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?' And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'  Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you . She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.' Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?' God replied, 'An arm and a leg.' Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib? Of course the rest is history..........!!!! |
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I was just over on GD and sort of found this and thought it's just amazing, lol. Tony |
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' |
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Jesus and the burglar A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus .' |
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Inner peace is assured I am passing this onto you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tele this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of a bot Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece!  doni |
You been searching for pre-op transexuals on the web again?  Tony, I worry about you sometimes Like the inner peace joke....Nice one
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10 signs you might be a Taliban 10. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer.. 9. You own a £1,500 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 8. You have more wives than teeth. 7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your clothes. 4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my arse look big?' 3. You're amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.' *And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:* 1. You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean! |