Posted: 2/21/2009 9:29:52 AM EDT
| A blonde returns to the Garage to pick up her car, "Nothin' serious" the Mechanic says, "Oh really?" the Blonde replies, "Yeah just crap in the air filter", "Oh right", she replies, "& how often do I need to do that"? . |
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After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots." One week later, "The Kerryman", a southwest Irish newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in a peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless!" |
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Quoted:
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots." One week later, "The Kerryman", a southwest Irish newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in a peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, Troll a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless!" Very good. To be sure. Begorrah. I like it. 
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As a retirement treat to himself an old boy joins an exclusive nudist health club. On his first day he's happily looking around but the sight of all the naked ladies causes him to get an erection. Seeing his predicament a rather attractive lady says to him 'you called?'.
The old man tries to apologise for his reaction but she say's it's quite alright, when a man gets an erection it means you called.' She then proceeds to give him the blow job of his life. Afterwards, and mightily pleased, the old man carries on looking around. He's walking past the saunas when he lets go a fart. Immediately a huge man sticks his head out of a sauna and says 'you called?' Before the oldman can explain anything the huge man bends him over and gives him a good seeing to. Afterwards the old man staggers away, gets dressed and limps out through reception throwing his membership card on the desk and saying 'you can keep my deposit, I'm getting out of here..' The Receptionist says 'did you not enjoy your first day with us?' He replies 'Miss, I am 76 years old. I get an erection once a month. I fart fifteen times a day.......' |
| Dinnertime in the Old Folks Home.......The Old Boy gives the Old Girl a sly look over their soup & gestures towards the broom cupboard, they excitedly stagger over & sneak in, just as they're gettin' down to it the Old Girl says, " I must tell you, I have acute angina" , "Well that's good" says the Old Boy "cos your tits are disgusting!!" |
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Quoted: Dinnertime in the Old Folks Home.......The Old Boy gives the Old Girl a sly look over their soup & gestures towards the broom cupboard, they excitedly stagger over & sneak in, just as they're gettin' down to it the Old Girl says, " I must tell you, I have acute angina" , "Well that's good" says the Old Boy "cos your tits are disgusting!!" 7/10 getting better  john |
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At The Border Checkpoint
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.' 'Quattro is just the name of the car' the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.'' 'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy. 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.' 'You idiot!', the Englishmen replies angrily. 'Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.' |
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Quoted:
At The Border Checkpoint Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.' 'Quattro is just the name of the car' the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.'' 'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy. 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.' 'You idiot!', the Englishmen replies angrily. 'Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'
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A lonely widow, age 80, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I? |