Posted: 6/30/2005 3:50:40 PM EDT
One year ago my daughter was born, one month befor she was to arrive my wife and foud out that there were a few problems with her heart..that month was the longest of my life, they told us not to worry that she wouldn't need surgery for at least a few years that what she had was verry common...She was born a beutifull little girl with a mop of hair that already covered her eyes. through countless apointments with her cartiologists we learned that what she had wasn't so common after all but they still said it'll be a while maybe a year, befor surgery. 8 weeks after she was born she went in to congenital heart failer.......God I prayed so hard for him to not take her away, that i would take her place if he would let me. i hid my fear from my sons and my wife telling all of them that everything would be OK, in quiet dark rooms I weeped and prayed but I found a truth there.....that it is an honor and privilage that we shepherd our children through the first parts of their lives that they are'nt realy ours to have but only ours to guide and love that they are only ours for a while that at some point we must realize they are only on loan to us.  Her surgery took 6 and half hours, three hours longer than it was suposed to. she was on the heart machine so long that they said they're might be permanent damage to her lungs, you Know when you hear about someone haveing open heart surgery you don't realy think about the fact that they stop the heart to cut and sew. She had 5 congental heart defects, no atrium wall to seperate the top two chambers numerous holes in the ventrical septum and a bicuspid valve that was too small. She made it through the surgery and into the recovery room in the PICU. I couldn't leave her side the nurses wanted me to go to one of the sleeping rooms down the hall to rest but I couldn't, so I dozed on the floor, or in an office chair propped against the wall.. I sent my wife home to be with our boys, so they wouldn't be frightened too much. I woke up to alarms going off the third day, her heart rate was gone and she was a dark grey color, she wasn't breathing with the ventilator, her monitor was flatline...the Nurses rushed in and started CPR as I moved to the hall to give them room to work I watched as they gave her a shot of epineferin and got her rythem back....and I asked God one more time to take me instead...to allow her a life, if he would just take mine in trade.  By the 5th day she seemed to get better and they were talking about removing the vent and letting her try to breathe on her own, it was scheduled to be taken out tht afternoon. I went to the nurses' desk out in the hall to get some food brought up when her heart rate droped and became eratic. alarms went off again and she was turning blue, once more the nurses rushed in and began working on her, this time they couldn't get a rythem I could hear the panic and stress in their voices and frustration that she wasn't responding they called for a crash cart the injected the eppy and nothing.... they got the padles out shocked her back. As I looked through the glass door I could see her small body arch with each shock, her little fists cleched and shaking. At that point I knew she wasn't going to make it, in my mind I knew it, right then something in me broke and I began to accept the inveitable. She wasn't mine to begin with, she was only on loan......I began to think of my wife and sons and I knew where my responsibilities lay. My wife arrived latter that day and we stayed with Emily for the next days, by her side and with eachother, both knowing that there was almost no chance, but still some tiny hope spoke to us in that small voice of a child that cannot belive in anything bad, it wispered in our hearts and in the corners of our minds that everything would be OK. Emily seemed to improve with each day but then she would slide back further and further slowly lossing the battle for her life. On the 7th day she had had no other episodes and that little voice had begun to grow loud, that everything would be OK- but after that awful resignation that it was only a matter of time made that voice hard to belive....My wife went home to comfort the boys, I was dozing in a rocking chair behind he crib, when the alarms sounded once more.....I calmly got up and moved out in the hall, I could feel my heart racing, this time it was different, she wasn't responding at all...I watched once more as she was shocked and checked for a pulse and shocked again....I watched as the activity around her crib rose to a frantic pace, and still my heartbeat sped on. I could feel it pounding in my chest and I could hear it in my ears, I looked through the glass door as they worked. I looked at her laying there and I spoke to God one last time, I remember thinking "by all that is holy, Don't you die Emily not now, not without your mother here she would never forgive herself for not being here. Don't you die..... I still wake up at night almost year later with those words ecoing through my mind....my heart racing and pounding in my ears. Almost a year later that small voice that carried hope has grown to a shout, but now there is another voice that wispers in the dark corners of my mind and it speakes of fear and terror of lossing my little girl.......I get up and go to hold my baby girl who, through it all has made it. Not only through her recovery and numerous other hospital stays since but also the constant medications and exams and test. Almost a year later and all that remains are the scars.....and the dreams. In this past year, which has been the most difficult of not only my life but also of my marrage I have learnd the lesson of the value of hope and the lesson that our children are only ours for a while. I have learned that being a father and a husband is a privilage and an honor and that all of these things can be lost befor we find them, befor we realize just what it is that we hold in our hands. One year later I wanted to share these things that I have learned, perhaps I have now. One year later I can look back and see myself how I was and now I just shake my head in wonder at my ignoance and arrogance. One year later I know what it is that I was born to do. So with my piece now having been said I will wish my litle girl a happy birthday.  |
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That is one of the most touching stories I have ever heard!! You're daughter is beautiful! Happy Birthday Emily!! hday.gif |
| Mack, you have been through something that no one should have go through. We all know and expect that our parents will grow old and pass away. We have a decent chance of seeing the same of our siblings. No one should have to go through seeing their children near death. Thanks for sharing your story. My best wishes go out to you and your family. |
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[clear my eyes] And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Your faith is unshakeable, and you were blessed beyond words. Congrats and Happy Birthday to Little Miss EmilyUSMC.  |
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Mack, God bless you, your daughter, your wife, and your sons. Your eloquent sharing of your tale is a blessing to the rest of us. You, sir, are a man. A true father and husband. I do not know if I would have the strength and faith to stay the course as you did. My problems now seem trivial. Happy birthday to that beautiful child. Steve |
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Mack, You have had some strong tests of faith. I have had to go through cancer with my little sister for years, So I understand the pain of looking at a very little one. I have begged and begged for the Good Lord to take my life in place of my little sisters and came to learn that you nailed it on the head when you talk about the little ones not being ours, but for us to guide. Keep the faith, and your family will be added to my nightly talks with the big guy.  Happy birthday Emily! You have a bunch of uncles and aunts here that think you are a sweetheart. 
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She is our angle, and the kicker is she loves guns, the winchester M1 carbine is earmarked for her when I go home to my Lord. However I am not yet sure how she is going to react with the addition of our newest bundle due to arrive in December.  Guess she is going to have to learn how to share her papa w/baby bro or sis. We just got some test results back and the new one is doing great, and we have a level 3 ulrasound scheduled for 20 weeks just to check the new one's vitals. So far so good.
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I had to shut my office door just after reading this. As a father of 3 plus two stepsons, I know about the worry we parents go through as our children grow up. We hope and pray that if anyone is going to get sick, it be us fathers, so that our family can lead happy healthy lives. We alone should bare the burden of sickness and pain, but sadly we cannot. You have a wonderful little miracle there Mac, congrats to you and yours. |