Posted: 10/14/2009 10:55:25 AM EDT
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Two Chimps and a Blonde
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?' 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'Do you need a lift?' 'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble…' 'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde... So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.' “Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over ––- so now we're going to SeaWorld!” 
You do better 
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It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.It's a very special watch. It's been in my family five or six Generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and Forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the Floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 'Shit,' said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home . |
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George W Bush and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The both decide to test it by asking a question each. George goes first
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries" Gordon Brown thinks "It’s not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. "Come on Gordon" says George, "Share what it says" "I can't read it George! It’s all in Punjabi!" |
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A ventriloquist visiting Wales , walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?" Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Really good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar." |
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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs **it middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled manager cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".' 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer down, 'I f*cking wrote it!!! |