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Posted: 8/26/2017 12:57:11 PM EST
[#1]
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Posted: 8/26/2017 12:59:09 PM EST
[#2]
Corn cob
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:09:10 PM EST
[#3]
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:12:18 PM EST
[#4]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Wrap towel around sawhorse. Step up and scooch. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:16:04 PM EST
[#5]
Use a Johnny Mop
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:19:58 PM EST
[#6]
Just had an L4L5 fusion.
Trust me you can move more than I can. Tylenol or Motrin, and figure out how to twist and bend that doesn't hurt. 
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:25:55 PM EST
[#7]
FPNI.
I feel or "felt" your pain. My back was out about 6 months ago and the ass wiping motion multiplied the pain x10. It would pinch a nerve causing some major cussing. Finally went to the chiropractor and after first visit was much better but around visit 3 was better than before I hurt my back. Never was a fan of chiropractors but he's at the top of my Christmas card list now. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:28:57 PM EST
[#8]
Either use a pressure washer or hire a hobo to wipe for you.
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:30:41 PM EST
[#9]
Except use your ass instead of a rocket.
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:38:09 PM EST
[#10]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
In use a bidet. I love it. I have the cleanest crack in tha hood. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:39:08 PM EST
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Except use your ass instead of a rocket. http://www.aircommandrockets.com/images/launchers/launcher.png 
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:45:03 PM EST
[#12]
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:49:32 PM EST
[#13]
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Posted: 8/26/2017 1:57:30 PM EST
[#14]
Bidet with heated water and seat. /thread
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Posted: 8/26/2017 2:46:07 PM EST
[#15]
I used my daughter's selfie stick last time, without her knowledge.
It is really difficult to stifle the giggling when I see her using it now.
The only other option is to hope there isn't too much solid matter and to take a shower right afterwards. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 2:53:53 PM EST
[#16]
Belt sander with industrial grade paper. It's going to need a shit wiping blade device on it (to squeegee shit from belt).
Or try bionic/cyborg Teflon replacement butthole, no need to wipe, problem solved. Or just adopt the "why should I wipe my ass, I'm just going to shit again" mantra. ETA: Service dog with warm tongue. Hope this helps
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Posted: 8/26/2017 2:54:07 PM EST
[#17]
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Posted: 8/26/2017 3:17:59 PM EST
[#18]
Quote History
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Posted: 8/26/2017 3:23:14 PM EST
[#19]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Username is appropriate Just use flushable wipes, squeaky clean and less work. There is no such thing as a "flushable" wipe. Use whatever wipes you want OP but DO NOT FLUSH THEM. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 3:30:35 PM EST
[#20]
OP just gave me a stroke.
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Posted: 8/26/2017 3:38:03 PM EST
[#21]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
OP just gave me a stroke. ETA: You are a sick, sick man.  
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Posted: 8/26/2017 3:52:09 PM EST
[#22]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Freedom wand. http://cdn3.volusion.com/nyp6e.5nqw5/v/vspfiles/photos/92013-2T.jpg?1422282662 |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 3:52:47 PM EST
[#23]
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Posted: 8/26/2017 4:46:37 PM EST
[#24]
Another vote for bidet.
Amazon link Gets everything clean. You still have to dry yourself afterwards. A couple wads of paper to blot with. Might not be a complete solution for you if you're having trouble bending to reach your bottom. If you're in that much pain reaching down, you could probably floss yourself with a hand towel after the bidet rinse. Not pretty, but better than living with monkey butt if you're really racked up. Good luck. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 4:50:43 PM EST
[#25]
Ask Mark Larue...
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Posted: 8/26/2017 4:52:57 PM EST
[#26]
 Crocodile Dundee (7/8) Movie CLIP - Bidet Mate (1986) HD |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 4:55:13 PM EST
[#27]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Another vote for bidet. Amazon link Gets everything clean. You still have to dry yourself afterwards. A couple wads of paper to blot with. Might not be a complete solution for you if you're having trouble bending to reach your bottom. If you're in that much pain reaching down, you could probably floss yourself with a hand towel after the bidet rinse. Not pretty, but better than living with monkey butt if you're really racked up. Good luck. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 4:57:52 PM EST
[#28]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Obviously you don't have enough hair on your ass to weave a Persian carpet. Some can manage 2 carpets. When you have a hairy anal cleft, there is no clean drop. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:14:40 PM EST
[#29]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I used my daughter's selfie stick last time, without her knowledge. It is really difficult to stifle the giggling when I see her using it now.
The only other option is to hope there isn't too much solid matter and to take a shower right afterwards. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:16:07 PM EST
[#30]
So those of you with bidets--is it, at all, ...arousing?
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:16:23 PM EST
[#31]
If you are in so much pain you can't wipe your ass, you aren't taking enough opiates.
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:39:10 PM EST
[#32]
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:41:21 PM EST
[#33]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
You own a razor? |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:47:53 PM EST
[#34]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
So those of you with bidets--is it, at all, ...arousing? Being a dude with a hairy ass and mediocre eating habits is a bad combination. Someone described wiping with paper as, "trying to get peanut butter our of a shag rug with newspaper." That's about right. You never get clean with regular wiping. You sort of fight it to a draw and decide that it's good enough. If you have to go several times, you can end up downright uncomfortable. With the bidet everything is totally clean, and there's no chaffing or irritation from an abrasive wiping motion, because you're only blotting to dry. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:49:30 PM EST
[#35]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Absolutely, but the thought of 5 o'clock shadow between my ass cheeks just rubs me raw for some reason. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 5:50:21 PM EST
[#36]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Absolutely, but the thought of 5 o'clock shadow between my ass cheeks just rubs me raw for some reason. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
You own a razor? |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:08:44 PM EST
[#37]
Marry a nurse.
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:25:07 PM EST
[#38]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
get a bidet. Hell while you're there get one of those fancy Toto models where the seat's heated too. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:34:00 PM EST
[#39]
Quoted:
I jacked up my back Thursday day and wiping my bottom, has literally been a pain in the butt. This is not a troll or joke post. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:37:42 PM EST
[#40]
shit then shower. use a cleaning rod with 12 gauge cleaning brush
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:40:57 PM EST
[#41]
Some of you crack me up suggesting the OP shower after a dump, if he can't wipe his ass, how the hell can he wash his ass
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:46:35 PM EST
[#42]
Quote HistoryA bidet is the solution to all dirty assholes. Rinse, then add soap, wash, rinse off the soap then dry. You are left with a clean butthole. Toilet paper is for primitive people. If a bidet is not available, the only other option is to shit, then shower and wash your ass. That goes for EVERYONE, not just the fat, the injured or the elderly. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:48:15 PM EST
[#43]
Waddle to the shower and rinse....I've been there & done it, ain't fun but gets it done.
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:49:23 PM EST
[#44]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Go through the middle in stead of around back. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:52:42 PM EST
[#45]
Will insurance cover a home nurse.. or try an ad on craigslist, might even have someone pay you
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:56:36 PM EST
[#46]
It would be better if more people used bidets. Much more hygienic.
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Posted: 8/26/2017 6:59:12 PM EST
[#47]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Username is appropriate Just use flushable wipes, squeaky clean and less work. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 7:00:47 PM EST
[#48]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Username is appropriate Just use flushable wipes, squeaky clean and less work. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 7:06:05 PM EST
[#49]
Quoted:
I jacked up my back Thursday day and wiping my bottom, has literally been a pain in the butt. This is not a troll or joke post. Work it into foreplay. |
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Posted: 8/26/2017 7:10:07 PM EST
[#50]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Some of you crack me up suggesting the OP shower after a dump, if he can't wipe his ass, how the hell can he wash his ass Quote HistoryQuoted:
Some of you crack me up suggesting the OP shower after a dump, if he can't wipe his ass, how the hell can he wash his ass 
Quoted:
Flushable wipes aren't "flushable". I've heard of those wipes plugging shit up real bad in many toilet system. 
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