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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:01:01 PM EDT
[#1]
At golf? Probably.
Unless he's really bad at golf like my cousin |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:01:36 PM EDT
[#2]
Quoted:
according to the stuff i have heard during NHP (Non Human Primates) seminars. A young(teenage) chimp could pull your arm out of its socket if not totally off before you would have a chance to react. full grown, you better hope that arm is all it wants! Yeah, I was watching a show on the recent chimp attack on that lady, who's friend had the chimp. It did a real number on her, mutilating her beyond recognition. The first cop who pulled up, said the chimp approached from the passenger side and with one flick of the wrist, knocked the side mirror completely off. The chimp then moves over to the driver's side and starts pulling the door handle while the cop looks on in disbelief. Chimp gets the door open and the officer just barely gets multiple shots off killing the chimp. Then, in the same show, there was a story about a couple who owned a baby chimp and did the circus thing. Chimp gets older and more aggressive, so they donate it to a wildlife preserve. Each year, they'd come for their buddy's birthday and bring a cake, as they had no kids themsleves. One day, they're out at a lower portion of the preserve, at a picnic bench throwing their yearly party for 'Billy' or whatever his name was...having a good old time. Unfortunately for them, a group of three other chimps got out of their cages, over the hill from where this party was. They came over the hill seeing the party and immediately went into attack mode, swooping down onto the picnic bench and the older couple. I guess they were able to get Billy back into his cage, on the sidelines, for the big rumble. The first chimp attacked and bit the thumb off of the lady, as her husband shoved her under the bench. The chimps then focused their attack on him, immediately biting his nose off, like four of his fingers, ripped his face apart, started biting his buttocks, going so deep that they severed his siatic (sic) nerve, paralyzing him. They fucked this guy up so royally, he looked like a freak. I'd almost rather go up against a bear, as chimps are certainly malicious in their attacks on humans. Chris |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:02:12 PM EDT
[#3]
Quoted: Quoted: Chimp would win every time. Don't fight non human primates hand to hand, ever. Yup, a chimps bones are like twice as strong as a humans and their muscles are about three times stronger than us. They will rip your face off.  |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:08:08 PM EDT
[#4]
I bet a karate master can deflect the first attempt at face removal by a chimp, then confuse him enough to win the fight. Here's an example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yu-ldPEblU |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:11:15 PM EDT
[#5]
Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Chimp would win every time. Don't fight non human primates hand to hand, ever. Yup, a chimps bones are like twice as strong as a humans and their muscles are about three times stronger than us. They will rip your face off. I saw that when I did a google search for chimp attacks.  I figured the warning aspect of the picture would at least make people aware of the strength of Chimps because you will end up looking at what I wrote. |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:11:24 PM EDT
[#6]
Quoted:
I bet a karate master can deflect the first attempt at face removal by a chimp, then confuse him enough to win the fight. Here's an example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yu-ldPEblU Nope, I won't take that bet. I won't write myself off without trying but there is a reason I carry a gun. |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:55:46 PM EDT
[#7]
I could beat any chimp no problem. I have an M4 with 14 mags in my basic load out and an M9 with 5 mags too. I've also got some frag grenades, in case he tries to hide in defilade, and I can always call for an immediate suppression mission if he makes it into the woods.
That chimp is fucked. |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 10:09:30 PM EDT
[#8]
Mike Tyson (at his prime) on PCP, vs Chimp..
That one might be too tough to call... Either way, something would be getting FUBAR (big time). |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 10:59:15 PM EDT
[#9]
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Posted: 10/30/2009 11:09:06 PM EDT
[#10]
An unarmed human is nearly defenseless.
Give a smart, fit human male a good stick and he can kill any other critter on Earth. Not always, mind you, but most of the time. Now... Turn a freaking possum loose on your average modern fatbody and guess who's going to lose... Stick or no stick. |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 11:11:25 PM EDT
[#11]
Quoted:
You would have an hard time I think but anything is possible that wolf is huge |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 11:13:32 PM EDT
[#12]
Lets say who ever is the top heavy weight in UFC(I never follow it) on PCP vs. the chimp.
PCP might take away the pain/confidence issue a little. Quoted:
Quoted:
You would have an hard time I think but anything is possible that wolf is huge No shit, that is fucking scary. 
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Posted: 10/31/2009 6:03:09 AM EDT
[#13]
Quoted:
An unarmed human is nearly defenseless. Give a smart, fit human male a good stick and he can kill any other critter on Earth. Not always, mind you, but most of the time. Now... Turn a freaking possum loose on your average modern fatbody and guess who's going to lose... Stick or no stick. You are on crack. A single human with a stick looses 99.9 % of the time vs Grizz, Lion, Leopard, Cape Buff.. I could go on. Even with a bent stick and a string the odds are still grim. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 6:18:32 AM EDT
[#14]
Quoted:
Quoted:
That orangutan? No way. Aren't they several times stronger than humans? Only because they know their strength, and don't doubt themselves as humans do. Humans are far stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Humans may be stronger than what we give ourselves credit for but still doesn't change the fact that the orangutan will rip your arms off and beat us senseless with them. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 6:37:39 AM EDT
[#15]
I worked with a guy that spent many years studying primate teeth. This involved examining live animals including chimps pretty frequently. So far as he let on, nobody got their arms ripped out of their sockets.
He did say that he would "break in" new techs by pointing out the largest and meanest baboon and saying, "I need that one." They were kept in groups in rooms rather than cages. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 6:41:47 AM EDT
[#16]
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
That orangutan? No way. Aren't they several times stronger than humans? Only because they know their strength, and don't doubt themselves as humans do. Humans are far stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Humans may be stronger than what we give ourselves credit for but still doesn't change the fact that the orangutan will rip your arms off and beat us senseless with them. Exactly. What is wrong with some people around here? Reality deprived or something? |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 6:42:30 AM EDT
[#17]
Wolf, yes.
Chimp, no. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 6:56:08 AM EDT
[#18]
This question is sort of stupid - ofcourse a human would never win.. Although wolfs mostly hunt in packs, if it was ON - he would get you..
The only thing that could change this - is ofcourse if we used our brains (guns or knifes are ofcourse not available!) - As long as everyone involved are aware it is a fight - we loose.. But if you could confuse the animals in some way, either by designing some sort of trap or diversion, you might be able to use stones, or sticks laying around, but hand to hand, no way!.. I don't think using stones and sticks are unfair, monkeys are known to use tools to break open seashells and fruits, and probably human skulls if they wanted to.. SteinarT |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:01:00 AM EDT
[#19]
You hear that? We've been deemed stupid by a foreigner because of this question. Thanks a lot, OP!
J/K |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:09:55 AM EDT
[#20]
Wolf? It would be bloody, but I am pretty sure I could kill a wolf.
Chimp? No fucking way. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:14:24 AM EDT
[#21]
You ever notice how with assault rifles you either get "Accurate but fussy" or "Utterly reliable but inaccurate"?? I.E. AK47 vs. M-16
Well evolution is the same. Simians have greater strength but at a reduced brain capacity. Humans have less strength but at a increased intelligence. One day a mutation might happen that allows both, but that aint happened yet. Its obvious which survival strategy is superior. even in the Neo-litihic period (ice age) there are records of multiple human hunters taking down kodiak sized Grizzlys and Woolly Mammoths and even Polar bears with nothing more than nets and stone tipped spears. They have found Ice age Kodiak grizzly bones with man made stone fragments in it as well as evidence of "Bone scraping" the meat and a violent death. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:17:57 AM EDT
[#22]
Quoted:
If a chimp attacks you, the first thing it will do is clamp down on your face with its teath: http://www.documentingreality.com/forum/attachments/f149/58545d1245324649-chimp-attack-screaming-chimp.jpg Then, it will push away from you with these muscles: http://playhappy.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/hairless-chimpanzee.jpg If you're lucky, you will survive and look something like this: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gXAudPLCiTc/SaUuM05b9bI/AAAAAAAAAO4/B83DmZDbTug/s400/st-james-davis.jpg  +1. And keep in mind that the chimp in the second pic (the bald one) is quite ill and unhealthy too. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:29:00 AM EDT
[#23]
Odds are a UFC man couldn't defeat either without a weapon, not even a wolf.
ETA: A dog yes but not a large adult wolf, funny to think of it though because wolves are naturally afraid of people. I wonder if two wolves could take down a chimp? |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:37:10 AM EDT
[#24]
I'll fight any chimp you can produce. It must be in 5 feet of water however.
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:38:22 AM EDT
[#25]
Quoted:
I'll fight any chimp you can produce. It must be in 5 feet of water however. ....until it drags you onto dry land. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:43:29 AM EDT
[#26]
Another thing to consider it that most Americans are only used to seeing juvenile chimps. An adult is a big old mass of fuck-em-up quick. Google videos of "Frodo" from Jane Goodall's experiences.
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:58:38 AM EDT
[#27]
Chimp?
no fucking way. Chimps are much stronger, faster, and have a gaping maw full of large teeth. It would be like hugging a running chainsaw. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 7:59:58 AM EDT
[#28]
Quoted:
I'll fight any chimp you can produce. It must be in 5 feet of water however. He'll just climb up on top of your head, and seconds later, paddle your limbless torso back to shore using your legs as oars. Single wolf, maybe. All they have is there teeth. I've been in some bad situations with dogs before. Matter of fact, a quick, sharp rap to the head of canines usually usually knocks them out long enough for a chest stomp. Single chimp? No way, no how, no ONE. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:11:54 AM EDT
[#29]
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
That orangutan? No way. Aren't they several times stronger than humans? Only because they know their strength, and don't doubt themselves as humans do. Humans are far stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Humans may be stronger than what we give ourselves credit for but still doesn't change the fact that the orangutan will rip your arms off and beat us senseless with them. Yep. And a chimp would do the same thing. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:18:43 AM EDT
[#30]
How quickly can you shove as much of your hand and arm down its throat?
Only chance you have. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:26:25 AM EDT
[#31]
How about one of those red-butted monkeys? They have the most wicked teeth EVAR!
I've been looking for a reason to interject the red-butted monkey all of my life. Finally that day has come.
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:40:05 AM EDT
[#32]
500 yards, man on roof of building, with a good .308. Chimp doesn't know where man is and has no cover or protection. Man wins. (like this situation is going to happen)
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:47:06 AM EDT
[#33]
After reading the couple chimp threads we had a year or two ago, I would much rather face a wolf than a chimp.
Which begs the question: where is the 3-chimp howling moon shirt? |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:48:48 AM EDT
[#34]
Quoted:
After reading the couple chimp threads we had a year or two ago, I would much rather face a wolf than a chimp. Which begs the question: where is the 3-chimp howling moon shirt? Thats racist. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:50:19 AM EDT
[#35]
Quoted:
Chimp. When you can swing from trees all day without gettin' tired and climb a vine fast, I mean REAL fast, then you might have a chance. They have teh strength, but we have teh brains. Brains invented 1911. 1911 > (chimp + wolf) This. /thread |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:50:38 AM EDT
[#36]
Quoted:
Game would be over as soon as Mike gives a big flashy smile,or makes eye contact.
Mike Tyson (at his prime) on PCP, vs Chimp.. That one might be too tough to call... Either way, something would be getting FUBAR (big time). |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:54:25 AM EDT
[#37]
I'd fight a chimp. As long as I had a Benelli M1S90 fully loaded with Brenneke slugs. But to answer the question- unarmed there is no way the human beats the chimp. Wolf is another story- possible human victory on that one. 4073 |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 8:59:01 AM EDT
[#38]
Quoted:
You would have an hard time I think but anything is possible Is this photoshop? Or are wolves really that big? I only got yotes around here. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 9:06:12 AM EDT
[#39]
I knew a man that fought an orangutan at a county fair in the 60's. If anyone could last a few minutes they won cash. He said he entered the cage and got so scared that he tried to grab the top of the cage and pull himself up. During the scrambling he said his flailing legs kicked the animal in the sternum and knocked the breath out of it. He then got the hell out of the cage before it recovered and killed him. No, he didn't win a prize. Maybe it was BS but I never knew him to tell tall tales.
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Posted: 10/31/2009 9:19:51 AM EDT
[#40]
Here's a Google Answers thread where many claim Bruce Lee could defeat a chimp. I don't think I'd rely on Google Answers for very much.
Could an adult chimpanzee defeat Bruce Lee (in his prime) in hand-to-hand combat? In this scenario, Bruce and the chimp would fight in the center of a football field, Bruce would have a full week's time to prepare the fight, and weapons/armor are not allowed. If Bruce Lee couldn't do it, would *any* human stand a chance? google answers |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 9:22:09 AM EDT
[#41]
Quoted:
Quoted:
Game would be over as soon as Mike gives a big flashy smile,or makes eye contact.
Mike Tyson (at his prime) on PCP, vs Chimp.. That one might be too tough to call... Either way, something would be getting FUBAR (big time). This. what the fuck are people thinking? |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:07:04 AM EDT
[#42]
Having been charged by a female silverback at a zoo, only to have her slam both fists down on the thick protective glass, I can tell you this: any man vs gorilla equals dead man in about 1/2 second. The timing is no exaggeration, either. As for chimps, I would expect it to take slightly longer and be a lot more gruesome but regardless, human beings in hand-to-hand vs a non-human primate have zero chance. Absolutely none.
FWIW, the female started from a relaxed, cross-legged sitting position with her back to me. She cleared a ~12' span with a leap, going in to full attack mode, in about the same time it took to blink. In other words, were it not for the protective glass, she would have easily killed me before I knew she was on her way. |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:09:13 AM EDT
[#43]
Wolf yes,Chimp no.
People have been forced to fight off wolves with guns,knives ,what ever they could get their hands on. It's been done many times. A chimp on the over hand will eat your face 
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:17:41 AM EDT
[#44]
I'll would willingly step into an arena will a wolf pack, to take my chances, rather than face a chimp.
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:18:54 AM EDT
[#45]
A chimp would our ass however, a chimp-o-truth....
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:21:49 AM EDT
[#46]
Quoted:
Quoted:
An unarmed human is nearly defenseless. Give a smart, fit human male a good stick and he can kill any other critter on Earth. Not always, mind you, but most of the time. Now... Turn a freaking possum loose on your average modern fatbody and guess who's going to lose... Stick or no stick. You are on crack. A single human with a stick looses 99.9 % of the time vs Grizz, Lion, Leopard, Cape Buff.. I could go on. Even with a bent stick and a string the odds are still grim. A Swahili youth was required to kill a Lion with a sharp stick (spear) the tribe is not extinct . Edit : I meant Zulu |
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:39:15 AM EDT
[#47]
Yeah, but how often do you think the individual chose a full-grown, healthy lion?
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:40:03 AM EDT
[#48]
What if the chimp had one of those hannibal lecter masks on?
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:48:26 AM EDT
[#49]
So how do you propose to get this wolf/chimp animal into existence?
Male wolf/ female chimp or vice-a-versa? Do you think it is even possible? Tell ya what...ya get'em to reproduce and I kill whatever comes out with my bare hands!
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Posted: 10/31/2009 10:57:24 AM EDT
[#50]
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
An unarmed human is nearly defenseless. Give a smart, fit human male a good stick and he can kill any other critter on Earth. Not always, mind you, but most of the time. Now... Turn a freaking possum loose on your average modern fatbody and guess who's going to lose... Stick or no stick. You are on crack. A single human with a stick looses 99.9 % of the time vs Grizz, Lion, Leopard, Cape Buff.. I could go on. Even with a bent stick and a string the odds are still grim. A Swahili youth was required to kill a Lion with a sharp stick (spear) the tribe is not extinct . Edit : I meant Zulu Humans have a very long history of killing animals with sharp sticks, particularly animals aggressive enough to stand their ground and fight. But we usually hunted in packs. |
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