Do you think finding the right wife is based on luck or hard work? - Page 1

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Do you think finding the right wife is based on luck or hard work? (Page 1 of 5)

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:19:21 PM EST

After reading all the GD relationship stories here, I'm convinced it's a lottery based purely on luck. Some get really lucky and find a great wife. Others have to wait years with several kids until they realize they just lost big time.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:21:24 PM EST

[#1]

Choosing wisely is difficult work

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:21:39 PM EST

[#2]

There aren’t enough good women to go around so you have to be a good man and have a bit of luck.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:22:43 PM EST

[#3]

It was either God or luck. I prefer to look at it as God. Almost 33 years. Not perfect. Lots of work. Lots of blessings.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:23:40 PM EST

[#4]

Both. I got lucky and found an exceptional woman, but hard work has kept us together.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:24:37 PM EST

[#5]

Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:25:22 PM EST

[#6]

Quote History

Quoted:
It was either God or luck. I prefer to look at it as God. Almost 33 years. Not perfect. Lots of work. Lots of blessings.

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Same here, but about 20 years.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:25:28 PM EST

[#7]

No one actually cares about you except possibly your mother and your dog.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:25:30 PM EST

[#8]

Hard work. Kinda. People settle for partners they are not compatible with. Instead you should not waste time dating a woman if there's something that isn't working. Find a new one. Eventually you run into someone you are compatible with. They become your best friend and wife and you don't have to compromise with them to make things work.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:26:03 PM EST

[#9]

Quoted:
Choosing wisely is difficult work

View Quote

This.
Yea, you can't ensure things will work out, but you can do your best to pick someone that seems compatible, no reservations.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:26:16 PM EST

[#10]

Fate
Luck
Timing

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:27:10 PM EST

[#11]

Quote History

Quoted:
Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you.

View Quote

Fucking FACT

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:27:38 PM EST

[#12]

Yes to both.

I had a number of rough, bad relationships, including a BPD girl. Met my wife right when I started with match (I think she was actually one of my first messages, but took us a while to actually meet)... And I was conversing with her gay friend. She only agreed to go out with me because I had a cute dog.

So yeah, you need to get thru a lot of shit, and when you do get lucky realize it and lock it down.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:28:15 PM EST

[#13]

know who it is you want to marry. For me she had to be a Christian, love America & love Rush Limbaugh. Found her and we've been married 22 years now.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:28:25 PM EST

[#14]

Pheromones

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:28:50 PM EST

[#15]

No amount of education, skill, forethought or planning can beat DUMB LUCK.

No shit. Over the years I've heard all sorts of stories. Why did you marry your wife?

"I dunno. Seemed like a good idea." that was 34 years and 4 kids ago and still together.

"I knocked her up when I was 17." 26 years and two more kids ago. Still together.

This is my favorite. "Woke up with her after a 3 day drunk and sorta moved in with her. We got married a couple of years later." About 20 years into the marriage.

Then there was a guy I met that eloped with an AMISH girl! She got booted out of everything and shunned but they're still together after about 35 years. THAT one was strange but who am I to say? It works.

For every one of those there's been about a jillion that didn't make it. Still, something to be said for plain old shithouse luck.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:29:09 PM EST

[#16]

From what I've read here, "finding" isn't the issue.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:29:11 PM EST

[#17]

God helped me. Although it still requires hard work and commitment from both partners.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:29:26 PM EST

[#18]

I made a list of what I wanted in a wife. College educated, athletic, same culture, non smoker, etc. Long list.

Some of the choices were optional and others were not.

Each date was really an application.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:29:33 PM EST

[#19]

A lot of both

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:30:10 PM EST

[#20]

Both?

I had a checklist. Seriously. I called it the 7 Fs, I probably could write a book on it.

Faith, family, friends, fun, finances, fears, future.

These 7 Fs were areas I had to investigate and judge how they would effect us in marriage.

Example, how she delt with her family - clingy, or distant, what is in-laws role in our marriage life, am I expected to goto Thanksgiving with them every year? Some woman were to "close" for comfort to their family, as if they haven't left the house if we got married. Hard pass.

Finances was a big one, I refused to marry a woman with debt. How she spent her money was huge. Can't be so frugal you're sewing your underwear from 10 years ago, but can't be maxing out credit cards either.

Best of luck OP - 10 years married so far.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:30:31 PM EST

[#21]

There is a lot of hard work involved. It wasn't that way in the beginning. After 23 years people change, you have to work to keep the spark.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:30:57 PM EST

[#22]

Quote History

Quoted:
Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you.

View Quote

Truer words have never been spoken.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:31:08 PM EST

[#23]

Luck determines the women you meet. Discrimination determines the one you wife.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:31:38 PM EST

[#24]

Finding her is luck.

Keeping her is hard work.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:31:56 PM EST

[#25]

Oh, and getting the right wife is step one of 800. Hard work keeps you together.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:32:37 PM EST

[#26]

It really depends on your moral compass.

Chose wisely.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:34:18 PM EST

[#27]

Keeping your eyes and ears open.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:34:45 PM EST

[#28]

Mine was my bank teller. Been together over 20 years now.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:34:58 PM EST

[#29]

I was a project boyfriend that actually quit being a shitbird.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:35:13 PM EST

[#30]

Luck.

I married the first woman that would date me.

She turned out to be gem. 38 years together.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:35:36 PM EST

[#31]

Quote History

Quoted:
No one actually cares about you except possibly your mother and your dog.

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This is true!!
Luck and more Luck. You can't change anyone so if she doesn't do XYZ now she never will and the more you push it the worse she'll resent you, same goes for a man. Also, people change. What I wanted when I was 20 is different than my 30's and 40's. Now I'd prefer to be left alone with occasional sex. Finally, the most trustworthy person in the world will cheat and/or stab you in the back. It's human just like any other sin, never say never. Most marriages are based on convenience and familiarity mistaken for "love". Being together for 40yrs and resenting the other person's faults ain't love.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:36:33 PM EST

[#32]

Many books have been written on the topic.
Human interactions are complicated.
I am not qualified to offer advice as I am on my third and last wife.

35 years together, good times and bad times but she stood it like a natural woman and didn’t falter.

I hope you find it.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:38:48 PM EST

[#33]

Luck. I met my wife on a blind date.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:39:23 PM EST

[#34]

Both of you have to have the right view of the world and be committed.

Yeah you or her may change 20 years from now. Can’t control that.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:40:30 PM EST

[#35]

Know what you want, know what to look for and learn to be alone. When you are happy alone, you’ll probably find someone.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:40:45 PM EST

[#36]

As noted. It takes a lot of work, commitment, and like values and goals. You don't always need like interests, but have to support each other in them.
Luck, timing, and divine intervention certainly don't hurt, but don't rely on them. You still need to do your part.
I asked for a friend and got so much more. We have both done our parts in the relationship though.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:41:11 PM EST

[#37]

It’s 50% good judgement and 50% “luck”. Additionally, I would never contest anyone saying it’s 100% God. I’ve never been religious, but during a particularly low point in my life, I literally prayed for His guidance, and 24 years later, I’m daily blessed with an amazing wife and family.

-fwiw, we make our own “luck”. Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:41:29 PM EST

[#38]

A bit of both really.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:41:49 PM EST

[#39]

Luck.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:42:40 PM EST

[#40]

Quote History

Quoted:
Fate
Luck
Timing

View Quote

In short, this.

I don’t know how I lucked out so good.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:42:40 PM EST

[#41]

It’s not a decision that most people approach logically…

It’s the rare person who approaches a relationship with a cool logical mind.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:43:44 PM EST

[#42]

Do you think finding the right wife is based on luck or hard work?

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YES

ETA -
Wife 2.0 is a serious unicorn-level upgrade.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:43:51 PM EST

[#43]

And after one year, ten, twenty, thirty years, when the time comes……always trust your gut feelings.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:44:34 PM EST

[#44]

Quote History

Quoted:
Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you.

View Quote

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:45:42 PM EST

[#45]

There's a large element of luck involved. I'm really not so sure picking your own spouse is always better than cultures where parents arrange the marriage.

I also think "the one" is bullshit to begin with. There are tens of thousands of women who you would likely be equally as happy with, and random geography plays the biggest part of it.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:47:05 PM EST

[#46]

It’s being desirable to many women and choosing one with no deal breakers. And never get legally married in case you chose incorrectly

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:48:14 PM EST

[#47]

Quote History

Quoted:
Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you.

View Quote

Truth. Watch for the “chameleons”. Women can pretend to be whomever they want just to reel you in. Once you put the ring in their finger, they change.

Posted: 8/7/2022 9:48:33 PM EST

[#48]

No such thing as luck. People are generally ruled too much by emotion and make stupid decisions. Often, if they were watching a movie or a friend was asking advice that mirrored their situation, they would see the bad and tell them to eject. But they’re emotionally involved and can’t see straight.

So my vote is neither. It’s not hard, people make it hard by not using logic.

ETA: the number of people calling it luck is (IMO) an example of them abdicating responsibility for their own thought processes and/or lack thereof. It’s not their fault they were stupid…it was just bad luck. You’re fooling yourself and because of that, you’re doomed to continue making bad decisions. You didn’t learn; you made excuses.