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Posted: 8/7/2022 9:51:41 PM EST
[#1]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Both. I got lucky and found an exceptional woman, but hard work has kept us together. My answer also. Roy |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 9:52:35 PM EST
[#2]
Luck is for beggars. Beggars will get the scraps nobody wants. Finding a wonderful woman is based on fate, and having high standards.
In a world filled with 99% undatables, I've managed to be with several exceptional ones. My friends were always jealous. How can a short average looking guy get such pretty and remarkable womens? It ain't luck. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 9:53:55 PM EST
[#3]
The answer to your question is yes.
Not only is the dating process dubious, at best - because you can love someone until you try living with them; and finding someone who is willing to work on things rather than throw in the towel at the slightest inconvenience is hard. That doesn't include things that you just can't factor in. Suppose you get married, she gets hurt - gets hooked on painkillers; and then becomes a junkie? Lots of moral and upstanding people have made stupid, or foolish decisions that have destroyed their lives. Marriage is work. Relationships are work. You're gambling half your shit with the hope it works out. For about 50% of the population, it doesn't. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 9:53:56 PM EST
[#4]
I'm going to say neither. It's no different than finding your dream job. It takes work, patience and you have to do your due diligence. And think with your big head, not your little head.
People don't change. The signals are there, sometimes they're obscured by the great sex or BJs. But what do I know? Tomorrow is my 30th anniversary, married to a woman who is smarter and more attractive and thinner than I am. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 9:54:15 PM EST
[#5]
I was very lucky to find my wife at my college workplace.
To keep a good wife can take hard work. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 9:54:40 PM EST
[#6]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you. every married man in merica is one argument slash false DV accusation away from losing half his shit and/or doing hard time in prison. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 9:59:09 PM EST
[#7]
I was a good looking dude with hot girlfriends that my (now) wife had a crush on. She was my buddy's kid sister's best friend. Later in life, she got her Jake Ryan, I got my Phoebe Cates. Or, something like that...
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:00:27 PM EST
[#8]
Both. Definitely takes common sense to fish in the right pond, but sometimes one puts the hook in you that you might hit the lottery with if you take a chance on her. Read The Five Love Languages and it becomes apparent an arranged marriage can work if both parties do their part. There’s no way to accurately predict how another individual will act, but if two people want to make magic long term and tone down attitudes when shit goes sideways, grandpa and grandma can celebrate 60+ years together. I can promise you I wanted to slam different poon every night, but finding an awesome girl I didn’t deserve calmed me down.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:01:42 PM EST
[#9]
Attraction happens naturally and is effortless.
Getting to know a person takes effort. It’s often hard to look past the sex and thrill of the initial attraction. Staying in a committed relationship, especially marriage, takes a lot of work and selflessness. It only works if both partners are all in. Here’s a hint: it’s not about fulfilling your needs but your spouse’s. There will be arguments and frustration along the way, but if you both seek to fulfill each other’s needs, you will have a long and happy marriage. You are lucky if you found someone who gets this. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:03:29 PM EST
[#10]
its based on learning from my mistakes
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:05:29 PM EST
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted: People don't change. Disagree, as I would say that I myself have pretty substantially changed over the past 10-15 years. But your point about people ignoring signs/signals of incompatibility (or other problems under the surface that will bubble up later) I do agree with, absolutely. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:05:34 PM EST
[#12]
It's both, but luck by far dominates.
The hard work is working/knowing yourself enough to make better choices. They way I met my wife and all of the things that had to happen for us to even meet falls into either crazy luck or divine intervention. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:08:50 PM EST
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Disagree, as I would say that I myself have pretty substantially changed over the past 10-15 years. But your point about people ignoring signs/signals of incompatibility (or other problems under the surface that will bubble up later) I do agree with, absolutely. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:11:29 PM EST
[#14]
Modern dating is a shit show that is completely opposite what has been successful for a long time. There is a reason for courtship rituals.
It's easier to choose a wife when you've known her and her family for a very long time. I met my wife when we were in the third grade. I've known her brothers for as long, played football with them. I knew who she was, who her family was and was part of her life growing up (we went to a small rural school, our graduating class was 86 kids - everyone knew everyone). I was friends with her. I knew she was wife material for me by the time we were 17 years old. We started dating late our senior year and kept it up through college. Went to college at the same school (not intentionally), engaged after two years, had a lot of discussions about what we wanted out of life and marriage. We had a solid relationship and knew each other well before we even started a romantic relationship. I knew what I was getting and vice versa. The modern world doesn't encourage those kinds of relationships anymore, and often they are scoffed at. I'll get responses to this post telling me how irrational this is. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:45:38 PM EST
[#15]
Most men choose completely based on looks or sex. That isnt going to work for a life partner as a sole determining factor.
You will hear dudes that love guns and outdoors with mall glam girls. That's totally ok the dude for vaeing retarded. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:46:40 PM EST
[#16]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:52:07 PM EST
[#17]
Luck.
My wife lived in the apartment above me. Besides saying hi a couple times I never even really talked to her. One day she knocked on my door and was straight up like I have a crush on you. And we have been inseparable since. 
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:54:47 PM EST
[#18]
It's absolutely both,
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:55:21 PM EST
[#19]
Quote HistoryQuoted: It was either God or luck. I prefer to look at it as God. Almost 33 years. Not perfect. Lots of work. Lots of blessings. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 10:59:26 PM EST
[#20]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Modern dating is a shit show that is completely opposite what has been successful for a long time. There is a reason for courtship rituals. It's easier to choose a wife when you've known her and her family for a very long time. I met my wife when we were in the third grade. I've known her brothers for as long, played football with them. I knew who she was, who her family was and was part of her life growing up (we went to a small rural school, our graduating class was 86 kids - everyone knew everyone). I was friends with her. I knew she was wife material for me by the time we were 17 years old. We started dating late our senior year and kept it up through college. Went to college at the same school (not intentionally), engaged after two years, had a lot of discussions about what we wanted out of life and marriage. We had a solid relationship and knew each other well before we even started a romantic relationship. I knew what I was getting and vice versa. The modern world doesn't encourage those kinds of relationships anymore, and often they are scoffed at. I'll get responses to this post telling me how irrational this is. Any woman wanting a good man to marry, have children with, and be true to is put-down and laughed at by female society in general. Women are supposed to be whores and proud of it...according to most women. In my experience, good women (and they do exist) will generally have no female friends. They can't. To make matters even more complicated, the pussification of men has reached a point to where younger women can't even find a man worth a shit in their own age bracket. What self respecting young lady wants to have children with a guy who has painted nails, a man-bun, and carries a purse? Answer=none. The downfall of women has been going on for many decades. When I met my late wife in 2013, it was in full force. Shows like "Sex in the City" were poisoning the few good one's that were left. Finding myself single again, it's challenging finding someone even good enough to date casually...never mind marry. My field of fuks have truly gone barren. I demand a quality woman. In return she'll have a quality man. Settling for an older "reformed" whore who has nothing to offer me, isn't going to happen. I'd rather remain single. Those of you who are banking on luck, will most likely find yourself unlucky. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:02:06 PM EST
[#21]
Both. Married a hottie who's down to earth and we'e been so poor we had to count change to buy dinner for the night. She got diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age and I worked my ass off to get her and us through that. Then I worked more and she's an RN now and makes more than me. Was pure chance we found each other on Match and were able to go on a date. That date went from meeting at a Ruby Tuesday to hanging out the rest of the night and being inseparable ever since. Like to the point if I run down to the gas station or hardware store we always go together still to this day.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:04:14 PM EST
[#22]
Totally Luck. Avoid an 8 and up like the plague.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:04:16 PM EST
[#23]
Kismet.
Didn’t get married until 31. People ruin their lives and are impulsive while young. Good things come to those who wait…  Attached File |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:04:28 PM EST
[#24]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Luck determines the women you meet. Discrimination determines the one you wife. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:05:21 PM EST
[#25]
Quote HistoryQuoted: This. Yea, you can't ensure things will work out, but you can do your best to pick someone that seems compatible, no reservations. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Choosing wisely is difficult work This. Yea, you can't ensure things will work out, but you can do your best to pick someone that seems compatible, no reservations. Yep. Your wife is the only family member you get to choose. “She let me sleep with her” is not a valid criteria. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:05:29 PM EST
[#26]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Luck. My wife lived in the apartment above me. Besides saying hi a couple times I never even really talked to her. One day she knocked on my door and was straight up like I have a crush on you. And we have been inseparable since. https://www.ar15.com/media/mediaFiles/351019/C2538728-B73D-4C8E-BA51-9BD1D1504941-2033016.png Your wife is blind. Poor thing. 
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:07:45 PM EST
[#27]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Your wife is blind. Poor thing. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Luck. My wife lived in the apartment above me. Besides saying hi a couple times I never even really talked to her. One day she knocked on my door and was straight up like I have a crush on you. And we have been inseparable since. https://www.ar15.com/media/mediaFiles/351019/C2538728-B73D-4C8E-BA51-9BD1D1504941-2033016.png Your wife is blind. Poor thing. Easy to move her in lol |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:07:59 PM EST
[#28]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Choosing wisely is difficult work |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:08:12 PM EST
[#29]
I think it helps to fish in the pond that has the kind of fish you are looking for
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:09:25 PM EST
[#30]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Your wife is blind. Poor thing.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:10:10 PM EST
[#31]
I got a job at a Christian private school thinking I'd find a wife.
they're all married
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:12:58 PM EST
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Fate Luck Timing She ain't yours, it's just your turn. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:15:55 PM EST
[#33]
Quote HistoryQuoted: It was either God or luck. I prefer to look at it as God. Almost 33 years. Not perfect. Lots of work. Lots of blessings. Proverbs 19:14 ESV House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord I know my wife is an answer to my mom and dad’s prayers. God definitely sent her to me. Married Just over 16 years now. Didn’t find her until I was 42. She was 28 when we met in the OR at work. He also removed other choice’s for Mrs. PhotonKV along the way. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:16:48 PM EST
[#34]
Lots of people find a "hot" girl at the bar or on tinder, get married less than a year later, then wonder why marriage failed. Some get lucky, many don't. Yes, Christians are not perfect and get divorced but that seems to happen a lot less as divorce is usually considered sin.
Personality is more important than looks. Have high standards--don't compromise. Finding a good wife is half of the battle. Are you a good husband? Put in the work to be one. When there is tension in the relationship, is it handled in a reasonable manner or like children throwing a fit? Those are the first thoughts that come to mind. To summarize: 1. Live a spiritual life, attract a spiritual wife. 2. Spend a year or three dating to ensure you are both compatible. 3. Don't date someone you wouldn't marry. 4. Start praying for a godly wife long before you start looking for one. Many people aren't Christians and, therefore, won't like my advice. Back to square one. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:17:06 PM EST
[#35]
The wrong choice makes for a long and painful life that ruins your relationships with friends and family. That said one needs to be worthy of a good wife and sometimes you get what you deserve better or worse. The 7 fs mentioned earlier in this thread is an excellent criteria but look in the mirror when you are evaluating them.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:19:08 PM EST
[#36]
Getting one is mostly luck. Keeping one has nothing to do with luck.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:19:50 PM EST
[#37]
It is largely a right place-right time sorta thing.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:20:18 PM EST
[#38]
Ike most vs answer a bit of both
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:20:29 PM EST
[#39]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she Fixed. All you can do is hope the change is acceptable. I've been lucky so far at 13 years but I'm guessing I'm in for a couple more rounds as time goes by. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:21:08 PM EST
[#40]
There is a certain amount of luck involved in meeting a future wife. The world has a lot of people in it. Statistically, you'll only run in to a tiny fraction of women in the world. So, luck plays a part in the introduction. Once you've met someone, discernment to see if you think she might make a good wife is just the start of the hard work.
Even if you luck out and meet someone *and* they check all the boxes as far as making a good wife for you specifically, there's still a *LOT* of hard work to stay together and be happy. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:23:56 PM EST
[#41]
Still believe it’s kismet.
Here is a photo of my wife and I when we were in high school. Met her only once, she came over for dinner with her parents who was friends with my mother. I drooled immediately but tried to play it cool. My hopes were crushed when I found out she was in a relationship. Still had fun that night, went to see Forest Gump. When she left for the night I hugged her and said it was nice meeting you. That was in 1994. Didn’t see her again until 2008. On our first date (after emailing and talking on the phone for 2 weeks she was in town and I pulled up to the house she was staying at. I get out of the car and she was there, outside and gave me a big hug. She told me she loved me 2 hours later We were engaged 3 months later and married 8 months later. We were reunited 2 weeks after me telling God that I’m okay being a bachelor and if it’s my purpose to coach and teach I’m okay with that.  Attached FileLOL! While typing this I told my wife I was hungry and she ran to the kitchen to reheat some pizza. It’s also nice she used to work at deli and make perfect sammiches. Biggest help for Turkey/chicken is to have it shaved. Deli clerk will roll their eyes but it really does bring the sammich together! |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:24:46 PM EST
[#42]
Both luck and work. But both are required.
Edit: being more specific. You can do everything right and still get it wrong. Luck is a requirement for success. As a result, some will fail regardless of how well developed their wisdom is. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:26:21 PM EST
[#43]
Luck.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:35:38 PM EST
[#44]
16 years old and ran out of gas in the parents station wagon, less than a mile from home, after being in the city with a buddy. Stopped by a neighbor's house to borrow some gas, made it home to get some change to fill the can back up and return. Went to the nearest gas station and a couple of friends were there getting gas, boyfriend and girlfriend from school and a girl in the back seat I'd never seen. Told my buddy I was going to date her... Anyway, turns out she only lived a couple of miles away, in a different school district. Our 27th anniversary is this week, I vote for luck.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:37:06 PM EST
[#45]
You can be lonely, or you can be miserable.
That's my synopsis |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:38:43 PM EST
[#46]
Mostly luck, some of not doing something stupid.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:39:31 PM EST
[#47]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Fucking FACT   Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Luck. You can do all the homework in the world and she can still change on you. Fucking FACT Yup!, it gets so tiresome always hearing on the site”you chose wrong “ |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:41:29 PM EST
[#48]
Quote HistoryQuoted: No amount of education, skill, forethought or planning can beat DUMB LUCK. No shit. Over the years I've heard all sorts of stories. Why did you marry your wife? "I dunno. Seemed like a good idea." that was 34 years and 4 kids ago and still together. "I knocked her up when I was 17." 26 years and two more kids ago. Still together. This is my favorite. "Woke up with her after a 3 day drunk and sorta moved in with her. We got married a couple of years later." About 20 years into the marriage. Then there was a guy I met that eloped with an AMISH girl! She got booted out of everything and shunned but they're still together after about 35 years. THAT one was strange but who am I to say? It works. For every one of those there's been about a jillion that didn't make it. Still, something to be said for plain old shithouse luck. All of this. |
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:43:28 PM EST
[#49]
The key to finding the right gal is frequent soaking.
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Posted: 8/7/2022 11:46:12 PM EST
[#50]
Quote HistoryQuoted: The key to finding the right gal is frequent soaking. Preach! |
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