The Mandalorian Master Chief and Grogu Kwan take the Razorcrest Pelican to Tatooine some asteroid base to hide out for a bit with Boba Fett some Ex-Spartan.  Apparently, Spartans are from the Starbuck branch of Mandalorians, because they always take their helmets off.   Theory: Halo is actually a stealth Disney production designed to show Pedro Pascal how bad things would be if he constantly took his helmet off, so he'll stop bitching about it.  Anyways, they decide to talk to some random crazy guy about the Space McGuffin, because he saw the Covenant once and it made him crazy.  So obviously he'd know about the Space McGuffin.  Doesn't seem like the most well thought out plan, but everything works out through the power of bad writing.  Meanwhile, Not-Grogu has a flashback sees video of the horrible day when the Clone Troopers Space ATF raided the Jedi Temple Space Waco.  I do have to give Space ATF some credit.  The leader of Space ATF actually does the massacre himself, rather than just making bad Dr. Pepper jokes about it during his Senate confirmation hearing.  Hands-on leadership.  Respect.    

Meanwhile, back on Reach the Space Glowies are still freaking out about MC's non-NPC like behavior.  Nazi Barbie, a/k/a Klaus Schwab with teats, decides this is the perfect opportunity to bring about the Singularity so that humanity can finally eat the bugs and own nothing.  Naturally, Not-Avasarala thinks this is a great idea and so they send the other Space Glowies after MC.  Somehow, Cortana is going to fix MC so that he will become the perfect bug-eating, pod-living, killing machine.  Not-Drummer, just like Real-Drummer, proves that she's the only worthwhile Belter Space Glowie by focusing on the Space McGuffin, rather than, you know, freaking out about MC having an independent thought.

Then it happened.  Something so shocking that I spit my Bugburger all over the screen.  I had to rewind several times just to make sure it was real.  A protagonist made a rational decision in-line with both his character and the established universe.  I don't know how this made it past editing, but I strongly suggest that all of Clownywood study this strange accident and see if it can be repeated.  MC decides that not only is saving all life in the universe more important than his own life, but also realizes that Not-Grogu doesn't aid this mission in any way and leaves her behind.  He leaves her behind despite her saying she didn't want to be left behind, somehow ignoring her emotional plea in favor of a logical assessment of her utility towards the mission.  Amazing.  Further, he somehow concludes that when fighting a galaxy-spanning galactic empire like the Covenant, he might actually need an army, rather than doing it himself.  Fortified by this unlooked-for sound writing and plot construction, MC surrenders himself and the Space McGuffin.  MC tells Nazi Barbie that he is the Chosen One because he can wield the Darksaber Space McGuffin.  Nazi Barbie pretends to be interested, but is more concerned with why MC won't eat the bugs.  

HBO somehow sneaks a scene in the end because Covenant Barbie takes off all her clothes, giving us some gratuitous nudity just to show a scar on her shoulder blade.  Cue MC talking in the background about how he feels connected to something, and that's why he couldn't kill some random girl (Not-Grogu).  That's called foreshadowing.

The end.          

Episode three opens with Covenant Barbie.  But this time she has her clothes on, which is a good thing since it's a flashback scene and she's a loli.  The scene shows her in some kind post-apocalyptic nightmare dystopia, complete with cops dressed in leftover Judge Dredd uniforms.  At first, I was horrified that this could be humanity's' future.  Then I realized they were just in Baltimore.  Anyways, she's having an awkward first kiss with a boy while reading that comic book they've been not so subtly foreshadowing for the past two episodes.  This, of course, is a heinous crime.  The most important rule in the future - and I can't stress this enough - is that only Space Joe Biden gets to touch the loli.  Not-Dredd sees said infraction, informs them that he is the law, and the chase is on.  They kill the boyfriend because, you know, he's a kid, and are about to kill her when the Covenant conveniently show up because the plot needs them to.  You see they have a McGuffin which leads them to Covenant Barbie, because the McGuffin knows that she will be able to touch the other McGuffin that they haven't found yet, but will in the future, and the first McGuffin was able to communicate this across interstellar distances.  Don't both thinking about this too much.  It's clear the writers didn't.  To be fair, however, we do now have an explanation for Covenant Barbie's motives.  I mean, if I lived in Baltimore I'd probably want to join an alien species bent on the genocide of mankind as well.  So I can't fault her for that one.  

Back in the main timeline, Covenant Barbie decides to ambush a UNSC warship to gain some intelligence.  Now, as a high-level officer in a galactic empire with superior technology and virtually unlimited resources, you might think that they could just, you know, ambush one.  You would be wrong.  Instead, she hatches a superior plan where she pretends to be a human prisoner on a disabled Covenant warship.  You see she knows, or at least the writers know, that rather than sending over an assault team to secure this massive treasure trove of intelligence which could turn the tide of the war and save humanity, they'll just send an unmanned pod over.  "Hey, just get in the pod kid, and whatever you do, don't bring a tentacle rape monster back with you."  Joke's on them.  She brings back the tentacle rape monster.  This shows the superiority of her plan.  You see, my plan involved strategy and tactics in-line with the established universe.  Boooooring.  Covenant Barbie's plan allows for a dramatic slow-walk badass scene while the tentacle rape monster hentai's the entire crew.  Perfection.  It even grabs the captain, whom Covenant Barbie tries to interrogate.  She threatens him with tentacle rape, but he's like "I've been in the navy for thirty years, we call that Thursday."  So she hentai's him too and decides to search the computer instead.

Back on Reach, the writers really, really want you to know that Dr. Nazi Barbie is a Nazi.  So she does some Dr. Mengele stuff, combined with flawless Underpants Gnome logic, and is finally able to bring about the Singularity.  Specifically the process works like this:

1. Create clone of yourself
2. Do Dr. Mengele stuff on clone
3. ???
4. Cortana

Nazi Barbie then tricks MC into being enslaved by the Singularity by telling him it's just his 87th COVID booster shot.  In a twist that's totally different from the IRL booster shots, it was just a ploy for total control and dominion of humanity.  You see, this Cortana can override and control MC whenever she wants, like he's some kind of puppet.  Dr. Fauci would never do that IRL.  Seriously.  STOP LAUGHING!  Anyways, they play with the McGuffin some more.  MC finally realizes what has been done to him, and faces the greatest horror any soldier could ever face.  He can never do a combat jack again without someone watching. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  But like a good soldier, he tries anyways, fucks it up, and ends up removing his emotion inhibitor chip by accident.  Then he does what any good soldier would do if they got their emotions back, he finds the nearest brothel and goes on the most epic hooker and blow bender ever he listens to some music and touches the McGuffin again.  Through the power of McGuffin he realizes he has seen a different McGuffin before, but not the other McGuffin the Covenant have, a different McGuffin, and he sets out with the other Spartans, Dr. Nazi Barbie, and of course Cortana to go find it.    

Oh yeah, Short Round 2.0 is back.  How, you might ask.  Don't worry.  The writers have a great explanation.  SR is all like "I want to go back to my home world and fight the Space-ATF with my prepubescent fighting skills."  And Soren was all like "Did you even watch the last episode?  You know why that's a dumb idea and I'd never agree to it."  Then SR was like "but the plot wants me there," and of course Soren was like "Oh, well that's different."  So off they go.  Not-Drummer, Not-Avasarala, and Not-Fred Johnson also make appearances, but just enough to satisfy their contracts.  Seriously you can just ignore their scenes and go get a Coke or something.