It all started on a cool, damp, misty Thanksgiving eve.  I was at work running EMT conduit inside a ceiling above a local high-rise lobby when my cell phone came to life.  It was my wife, the message said "My grandma wants to bring *name withheld* over for a bit after she picks him up from school to hang out before church and have dinner."

My heart immediately sank.  Finally a day to come home from work and relax, looking forward to a much needed four day weekend, and now I have to deal with this shit.  "Really?  Kinda short notice don't you think?"  I replied.

"Yeah, that's what I said, but she wants to pick up that stupid green cart in the back yard."

Well right around this time some idiot doing demo sawed through a fire sprinkler pipe and the in-laws went to the wayside as I had about 100 yards of ceiling to crawl through with 12" of clearance before I could evacuate the building.  Finally 2:00 hits and its time to go home.  But wait, fuck, the in-laws...  "So should I expect company when I get home?"  I asked, waiting for the inevitable bad news.

But no!  Good news is right around my corner!  As I'm nearing the end of the parking lot I am graced with it!  "She got kind of pissy when I told her we didn't really want company till at least 5:00 and said she would just pick that cart up after church."  Fuckin' A!  Time to go home, shower, have a nice warm meal, and maybe some pound town?

Fast forward to after dinner and the wife is getting a little hot and bothered after hearing a few of my manly flatulents.  I was already in my usual dinner attire, naked, and my wife quickly joined me in my freedom.  Oral sex was began, which quickly lead to some good old missionary.  Which quickly lead to many, many other horrible, unthinkable acts of perverse, twisted sexual gratification.  Now mind you this is all taking place in the living room, which is connected to the kitchen, which has a glass sliding door to the fenced in back yard.  Standing anywhere on our patio or walking through the south gate of the back yard you can see right into the living room.

At one point in time, and I cannot for the life of me recall during which particular sex act this occurred during, I heard a car door and stopped what I was doing.  My wife quickly spurred me to continue, exclaiming, "It's just the neighbors, don't stop!"  Well much to the demise of my formerly positive relationship with my wife's grandmother I didn't stop.

After a good couple hours of fun it's time to get ready for church.  So we wash up and head out the door.  Grandma and BIL are sitting there.  Grandma looks rather sour(nothing out of place for her) and BIL has the biggest shit eating grin on his face.  We say high and before our conversation can carry further the service begins.  After church we proceed in an orderly fashion outside the service area.  My wife asks her grandma if she is coming over to pick up the stupid little cart thing she has that's a piece of shit but the old packrat bag just can't part with.  Grandma looks her dead in the eye and coldly replies "No, we already got it, and you really should have your blinds closed after dark."  She proceeded to about face and left the church with BIL in tow with nary a goodbye.  The green cart was located on the patio, on our picnic table, right in front of the sliding door.  Part of me felt completely devastated, the other, more active portion of my brain felt humored to the point of very loud laughter and visible tears running down my cheeks.  My wife, apparently, did not share in my humor.

Moral of the story?  If you don't want to see me kneeling between your naked granddaughters spread legs with an ice cube in one hand and a condom covered cucumber in the other STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY BACKYARD WHEN NOT INVITED.

I didnt read your post, but this seems like good advice

Tldr.  Hope granny is ok.

GD never fails to deliver.

She used to own the house so apparently she thought she was entitled to just enter the property unannounced and walk around wherever she pleased.  I changed her mind.  In that sense it was a positive experience.

Pics not loading....

Hold your breath while you wait, it makes them load faster.

In for pics of wife and g'ma.

Holy fuck. You may make it as an electrician.  My opinion.

ETA This story should make you epic on the job site and establish much cred.

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

His name was 32DOHC

This story is obviously bullshit.

Married people don't fuck.

I don't believe you.

We are newlyweds.  My understanding is it's a bit of a bell curve.

 
If they ever fuck up and give me a ban button "tldr" will be met with a permaban.



Great story OP

In        




But why was a condom on the cucumber?

Even after washing they have those gray little dots stuck all over them that you can pry off with your fingertips.  I have no idea what the fuck they are, what purpose they serve, or where they disappear to once you pickle them(one of life's great mysteries), but I didn't want to leave any inside.

edit:  Plus my ass is pretty tender, the condom helps the lube stay slick longer.

He's using metaphors and shit.

Negative.  Either there is a joke here that I'm missing or a story that I desperately want to hear.

This one if the better GD stories yet for this whole month.

No I am not.

Username and avatar are...appropriate.

I think I'm going to really drive the message home about private property etiquette and serve cucumber salad at our next family gathering.


Holy fuck I can't believe it took me over 24 hours to think up that one.  I'm tempted to go wake the wife up and run the idea by her.

edit:  Although to be honest I do not think it was during that particular portion of the show that they arrived during.  Then again there is no telling if that car door we heard was them or if they came at a different time and we did not hear it.

So it would taste like latex later.

Fap fap fap fap

Well played, sir.  

-Warren-

Don't serve cucumber salad...


Serve THE cucumber salad.

So the old lady and hubby watched?    Funny story anyway.

Epic

Granny was just pissed that she wasn't the one on a 268 mph bullet train to pound town. Bet her dried up old cunt hasn't had any action like that since we irradiated the japs.
 

Wait.  Cucumber I understand.  What was the ice cube for?

You use it on the nipples and clitoris.  As well as anywhere else on the body you please.  Mixes up the sensations a bit.  Sorta like slapping an icy-hot patch on her naughty bits but a bit more intimate.

edit:  Or pop one in your mouth and give her a frosty.

This is a story of holiday cheer

Didn't read and uh oh yeah fuck that noise

You are married? Newly weds?

They shouldn't be such prudes, and shouldn't let themselves in your back yard.

Will there be any pics?

Winning Awesome story OP. It his a bell curve especially after kids.

Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile

 

Pretty sure my wife's aunt saw me nekkid not long after we married.  The house we were renting had French doors in the kitchen/dining room. We had lace curtains over them, but they were still pretty open. We were finishing up one afternoon when we heard a knock at the door. Bedroom opened into the dining area too. I walked from bedroom to bathroom while wife suited up to answer the door.

Aunt was rather flustered when the door was opened.