Empire are the good guys.

And here's why...

The Republic was propped up and based around a cult that stole kids from their parents to bring them up in their hokey religion. The kids were all taught in basically madrasahs until they were brainwashed into thinking that their way was the only way. Then once these Jedi were graduated they went out to "fix problems." What sort of problems? Oh little things like trade disputes. Yeah see the Trade Federation was making a profit, can't have that so the Republic sends Jedi out there to sort them out. Seriously, they were like Taliban Communists. Oh hey rich guy getting rich, lightsaber to the face. Yeah that's fair.

So this secret religious police runs around "doing good." Like what sort of doing good? Oh ignoring slavery except in the case of one annoying kid that can't act because he's special. Yeah you supposedly run the galaxy, and are the good guys, but you ignore an entire planet's worth of slavery except for this one little shithead. Really noble of you dudes. Not only that, but they roll heavy like they're the Feds. But guess what, they're Feds that can read minds and make you do stuff you normally wouldn't do by using Jedi Mind Tricks. What happened to due process motherfuckers?

If that isn't bad enough they realize that their crack commando Jedi religious kook order isn't big enough or bad enough to fight this war that they sort of put themselves into, so what do they do? Draft the eleventy billion people on Coruscant alone that seem to do nothing more than hang out drinking glowy blue drinks and acting all space-hipster-y? Oh hell no, they go and hire some black ops outfit to clone them an army. Yeah nothing morally odd about that one is there? Clone. Slave. Army. Way to keep it Light Side...

Now yeah, this is all ancient (and poorly acted and plotted) history so let's get a little more modern here and talk about the Rebellion against the Empire. First off they lose points from the get go by trying to bring back the Republic. The Republic failed because it was half space Taliban and half Free Shit Army that not only got to vote but got put in the Senate. Senator Jar Jar? Yeah that's something I'd fight to bring back.

The Jedi got miffy when anyone but a Jedi or one of their sympathizers was armed. At the Cantina the bartender said "No blasters, no blasters" when the Hajji Kenobi gave the chop to Walrus Man but that was when it was fighting time and his business, his rules. Did the Stormtroopers tell Han hey no blasters when they checked his table out? Nope. Why? The Empire respects the 2nd Amendment rights of its citizens is why.

Speaking of that in Empire Strikes Back when Han was lost and the Empire was having trouble finding them what did they do? Called in bounty hunters. This just shows that in the Empire there are all sorts of cool job opportunities that are not only permitted, but encouraged. I mean Dengar and Bosk had to have been thinking *ca-ching!* when they got the call to show up to the Executor. The Empire subcontracts. Why? Because they ain't commies like the Rebels/Republic.

Also on the job opportunities front we have Han himself, a smuggler. Yes in the Empire you could make a good living smuggling. If he was around under the Republic the Puritanical Jedi would have had his head on a stick. They hate free trade remember? They're Commies. Lando was able to become a self made man going from...whatever the fuck the only black guy in the galaxy at the time does...to gambler, to running the largest Tibanna Gas Mine in the galaxy. That's upward mobility there Jack! What sort of jobs did they have under the Republic? Brainwashed religious zealot, Queen for a Year, slave, slave soldier, FSA and service industry. Yeah the win goes to the Empire by a long shot.

"But the Empire blows planets up!" some people will say. Why yes, yes they do. They blow up dumb planets. Planets that are full of unwashed hippies that throw their lot in with a Rebellion, including having their royal family be all insurgent-y, and still don't have any weapons. Here's a note for the smart planets of the galaxy: if you're going to become state sponsors of terrorism...fucking arm yourselves first. Alderaan was too stupid of a planet to be allowed to exist after that idiotic decision. I guess they felt that being unarmed would be some sort of stellar point in their favor. Guess what? Feelings are for hippie liberals. Now all you hippie liberals are space dust. Good riddance I say.

Granted the Emperor may as well have been named Creepy McCreeperson, he was not a nice guy, but sometimes you need a not-so-nice-guy to get shit done. Who did the Rebels have for a leader? A chick with a couple donuts on her head, that granted looked good in a metal space bikini...or so we thought for 2 movies. Oh but no, there's an actual real leader of the Rebel Alliance, Mon Mothma as we find out in Return of the Jedi. Wait, Mon Mothma? Where there fuck does Lucas go to come up with these names? But anyhow yeah Leia isn't in charge (but we'll get to her in a minute) but instead it's this "I speak like someone just rufied me" Sharron Osborne looking chick with a bad haircut. Her entire plan? Do exactly what the Empire expects them to do because it's a trap! Yeah good leadership skills, now shut up and go make Ozzy a muffin Mon. And you better hope there aren't any Sicilians with the Imperial fleet or else your admiral is gonna get fried and eaten for Thanksgiving. Mon Calamari indeed.

And so we come to Leia. Yeah she's perky, she's pixielike, she shoots at Stormtroopers and has some snappy one liners. All that is good, and yet moot and here's why: Endor. It all comes down to Endor. Lucas said that Endor was an allegory for the US in Vietnam. Okay the "evil" Empire is filling in for the "evil" US that makes the Ewoks the VC...and Leia goes and gets them on her side. And lets them braid her hair. Yeah Leia is Endor Jane. Fuck her.

So as anyone can see the Rebellion are not the good guys. They want to steal your kids and put them in Madrasahs. They want to have dudes that can read your damn mind looking over your shoulder. They want to enable the FSA to steal more of your hard earned taxes. They are terrorists, ne'er do wells and have piss poor strategical thinking skills. Oh and they're Communists who also support slavery, which means they're so stupid they don't even understand communism properly. It's like Maxine Waters was put in charge of the Rebel Alliance Charter Committee or something. Yes their belief system really is that fucked up.

Everyone says the Empire is evil, well the only time we ever see the Empire doing much of anything is when they're fighting the Rebels and there I see less of an evil thing and more of a smart rules of engagement thing going on. The Empire also has snappy uniforms and the best national anthem that any spacegoing polity ever could have hoped for. They allow their subdivisions to run themselves, they're anti-slavery, pro-gun and pro-capitalism. They fight communists, hippies and whiney entitled feeling brats.

To sum up, the Empire is not only not evil, but they are a galactic force for good, while the Rebellion is more like a trainwreck of bad ideas, conflicting ideologies and piss poor execution. By all logical metrics the Empire is the better of the two.