Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 8 of 28)
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" |
If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.
Poke4570 *note to self "goopy stuff" makes TG gag*
Poke4570 *note to self "goopy stuff" makes TG gag*
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The Ultimate Quote of the Day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!" |
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A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he sees two lines and at the front of the lines, two signs. One sign says, "Men who were bossed around by their wives." The line stretches to the horizon. The second sign says, "Men who were NOT bossed around by their wives." There is one mousy little guy standing under the sign. After a couple of minutes the man walks over to the mousy guy and asks, "What's your secret?"
The mousy guy responds, "What do you mean?" The guy says "Well, all the rest of us are in the other line. How did you get to be in this one?" The guy says, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." |
CAV-AID 2008
"Let me get this straight...A bunch of skinny, under-nourished, tree-hugging granola munchers are threatening the life of a young child who killed a 1,000 pound hog with a Smith & Wesson 500? I got $500 on the kid!" - mhoffman
"Let me get this straight...A bunch of skinny, under-nourished, tree-hugging granola munchers are threatening the life of a young child who killed a 1,000 pound hog with a Smith & Wesson 500? I got $500 on the kid!" - mhoffman
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well", answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am", replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well", said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault." |
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-Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. ~ One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
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(probably not true, but entertaining) Posted to Craig's List Personals: To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a fancy pink. "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. - Alex P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society! |
in arfcom fashion...pwned...
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-Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. ~ One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
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Originally Posted By str8tshooter:
 
tbk1 you owe me a monitor!
An awful old joke... THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it. There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump up and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch. There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump up, the bear would swipe and come out into plain view. There was a mouse eying the hunters sandwich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump up, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwich. There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter to shoot the bear and the mouse to go for the sandwich. So the fly drop six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwich. The blast from the gun startled the cat which jumped into the rive. The moral of the story is.... When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet. First I was: 
But then:
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The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.-Thomas Jefferson
20090728
20090728
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted... |
You see a smile on my face, I see a devious plan coming together in my head.
Also, thanks for the membership!
Also, thanks for the membership!
If you ask, don't be shocked by the answer...
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Originally Posted By Assault-Rifle-City: First I was: But then:  Good. I told it right. A Maine Joke Ten DollahsStumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs! Dumb Maine LawsAugustaTo stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.PortlandShoelaces must be tied while walking down the street. |
I have forgotten twice ~ Deej86
I've had enough of "women" with first hand experience of testicles. No more. Ever.~DoubleFeed
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
I've had enough of "women" with first hand experience of testicles. No more. Ever.~DoubleFeed
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
If you ask, don't be shocked by the answer...
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Originally Posted By TechGal26: Why parents drink <> Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME. '
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I have forgotten twice ~ Deej86
I've had enough of "women" with first hand experience of testicles. No more. Ever.~DoubleFeed
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
I've had enough of "women" with first hand experience of testicles. No more. Ever.~DoubleFeed
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked About using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you shou ld Take one Dad; they're very strong And very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to Try one, and before we leave in the Morning, I'll put the money Under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma |
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A young couple gets married, and being virgins, consummate their marriage in the old tradition. Soon after returning from their honeymoon to their new home, they have sex everywhere. On the kitchen counter, in the garage, on the stairs… Everywhere, anywhere, anytime. Time goes on, and they find themselves having sex regularly, but the job, responsibilities of owning a home and just being tired takes a toll on the thrill sex used to be. So, the couple finds themselves having sex maybe once a week. They no longer pull over to explore their passion on the side of the highway, or in a dressing room at JC Penny’s. But, they occasionally still do some crazy stuff on the dining room table. More time passes, and surprise, they become parents. The little bundle of joy takes more time and energy to raise than anyone could have imagined. Sex happens only because it has to. Maybe twice a month or so, usually in the bedroom, just before unconsciousness sets in before falling asleep at night. As the little bundle matures, more diversions distract the couple from their once fiery passion. Swim lessons, soccer practice, the PTA, and jobs take up most every waking minute. At one time, sex took priority, but now it happens perhaps once a month or so. It only happens in the bedroom, behind a locked door, with the lights out. There are no more screams of passion, as the couple doesn’t want to disturb the children, or the neighbors. More time passes. The nest is empty. One would think that all is well with the couple, but alas, even though the opportunity is there, he would rather go golfing and she’d prefer to be out with her book club. Sex is only a distant memory. Then, suddenly, the couple is having sex everywhere again. In the hallway, the stairs, the bathroom, the kitchen. Everywhere. It happens every time they see each other and say, ‘Fuck you!’ |
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Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!” The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.” Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers, continue reading…. … … … … … … The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! |
Take me as I am or go away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations.
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No speakah de english
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on .They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first , her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.! Two asses ,they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.! The lady cant take this anymore , "You foul mouthed sex obsessed pig ",she retorted indignantly . " In this country ,we dont speak aloud about our sex lives in a public place. Hey ,coola down lady ,! said the man ."Who talkin abouta sex ? I,m a justa tellin my frienda about how to spell MISSISSIPPI.! I bet you will read this again. |
Proud member "Ranstad's Militia"
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THE WRONG LESSONS for GOLF A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.' One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, now you know you should have taken golf lessons instead.' He never even had a chance to duck. |
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No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, 'I love you, Sally.' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money –––––––––––– ––- fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. 'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . ' The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here ' |
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Originally Posted By ms_embroidery:
I heard the joke at AIT in 1975. No speakah de english A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on .They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first , her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.! Two asses ,they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.! The lady cant take this anymore , "You foul mouthed sex obsessed pig ",she retorted indignantly . " In this country ,we dont speak aloud about our sex lives in a public place. Hey ,coola down lady ,! said the man ."Who talkin abouta sex ? I,m a justa tellin my frienda about how to spell MISSISSIPPI.! I bet you will read this again. 
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"He should have killed me. I would have killed me."
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"How come no one knows how to please a women?" said unknown girl
"Because no one has a dick made out of chocolate that ejaculates money" replied unknown man. ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does its own oil change. It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Two Palestinian women are walking down the street and one says to the other: "Does this bomb make my ass look big?" –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!" "Nonsense," the doctor said "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted.. This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined And dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to Fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.But finally he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. 'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on the well." –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side. ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– |
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Kids Answers to "Why did God make mom's"
Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head. |
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Why Are We Here, Dad?
So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?" And this is what I said. "I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands."We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole."We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go. "We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be. "We're here to rake on a jack-high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us."We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning. "We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying."I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't. "We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career. We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it."We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.' "We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake."I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads. "We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday."None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'Dang, I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!' "See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?" And he said, "Not really, Dad." And I said, "No?" And he said, "No, what I meant is, why the fuck are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?" |
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Originally Posted By DeltaAir423:
Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Not a joke and I have no clue if it's true or not––but I LIKE IT!! 
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.
During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?" Once again, dead silence. Sorry beekeeper. France has an aircraft carrier. The Charles de Gaulle. It's nuclear powered, and displaces 38,000 tons empty. Aircraft compliment is Dassault Rafale M's, and E-2 Hawkeyes. Charles de Gaulle (R 91) France has plans to build another carrier in the 65-74,000 ton range, and also plans on purchasing a third carrier from the UK. Sorry to ruin your joke. We call that a Helicopter carrier in OUR navy. 
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If you ask, don't be shocked by the answer...
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" |
I have forgotten twice ~ Deej86
I've had enough of "women" with first hand experience of testicles. No more. Ever.~DoubleFeed
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
I've had enough of "women" with first hand experience of testicles. No more. Ever.~DoubleFeed
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
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An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?” The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance—and just never wanted to.” A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands. The old man said, “Son, did you ever kiss a mule on the butt?” The young bully swallowed hard and said, “No, but I’ve always wanted to.” There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don’t waste ammunition. 2. Don’t mess with old people. I just love a story with a happy ending.... |
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While shopping for vacation clothes a husband and wife passed the bathing suit display.
"What do you think"? asked the wife "should I get an all in one or a bikini suit?" "Better get the bikini" replied the husband, "you'd never fit in an all in one". Viewing is being held at the All Saints Memorial Chapel this Friday afternoon. |
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A cowboy walk into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink the cowboy asked "where is everybody"?
Bartender replies "They've gone to the hanging". "Hanging? Who they hanging" asked the cowboy. "Brown Paper Pete" was the reply. "What kind of name is that?" asked the cowboy. "Well", said the bartender, "he wears brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes". "Very bizarre" said the cowboy, " what are they hanging him for"? "Rustling" said the bartender. |
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Farms in Detroit
A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and said: "Up against the wall motherfucker!" I guess there aren't too many farms in Detroit .....!!??? |
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
A cowboy walk into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink the cowboy asked "where is everybody"? Bartender replies "They've gone to the hanging". "Hanging? Who they hanging" asked the cowboy. "Brown Paper Pete" was the reply. "What kind of name is that?" asked the cowboy. "Well", said the bartender, "he wears brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes". "Very bizarre" said the cowboy, " what are they hanging him for"? "Rustling" said the bartender. 
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Fart if you're lonesome. The oxygen displacement causes a void that can only be filled by people. - TREETOP
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Originally Posted By HeldHostage:
Tough crowd here, sheesh. www.fortbragg/sfc/item1216trngexc.html Females Used In Combat Stress Exercises By SSgt. Barry Sadler We've all been there. You are sitting quitely in your living room and letting all the problems of the day quietly slip away. Suddenly a female enters the environment. Without warning you are subjected to a massive barrage of gossip, complaints and a endless parade of mundane questions. Quickly your mental capacity to process all the new data is overloaded and your average person either breaks under the stress in a defensive fit of outrage meant to act as a deterrent or he quietly retreats within himself never to be seen again on a conscious level. Combat veterans were the first to note that this mental barrage was quite similar to what happens when a soldier becomes subject to a massive enemy attack. In an effort to better prepare our nations special forces community to the duress of sudden, unexpected violent enemy fire the Army Special Forces School has adopted a program that will simulate this mental onslaught. 4 females between the ages of 21-35 are selected at random and prepared by watching 8 hours of Oprah, The View, 2 random soap operas and a Lifetime Channel movie. Then each female member is isolated for a 2 hour period to 'prime' them. The SFC school at Ft. Bragg has determined that 2 hours of isolation without contact is the optimum time for your average female to reach a state of 'critical mass.' Without warning program participants are subjected to one of the females in a confined area with no possiblity of escape. Soldiers are subjected to almost 30 mins. of intensive contact. Prior test have determined that any additional contact begins to cause irrepairable damage far beyond the post tramatic stress syndrome experienced by many combat veterans. Graduates of the training program credit it with saving their very lives. Lt. Neddermeyer, who is no stanger to intense fire under combat stated the following, "It absolutely saved the lives of me an my men. We came under a surprise enemy mortar attack. All around us men were being blown to pieces and we had no cover. Men everywhere froze in fear and hesitation. Only due to the program I had been through much worse. My head was clear as I began to issue orders and mounted a counter offensive against the weak point in the enemy line. It was hell, but thankfully I had been there before." Critics of the program argue that it is much too harsh and should be banned under the Geneva Accord. The program does have a 24% failure rate, exceedingly high given that only special forces troops are allowed to particpate. This contrasts sharply with their 2% failure rate in all other military programs. To make matters worse, those that fail are deemed "unsuitable for further military service" in more than 68% of the cases. Noted Capt. Miller, "When it works it works, but when it fails it is a career ender." Other members of the Geneva Convention also are critical of the program, not for the extreme stress that it places on the soldiers but for the 'unfair advantage' it gives successful graduates. Arab delegates stated that "Our women are not like American women. There is no way we could establish a comparable program. This will only lead to a gross disparity." The French sided with the dissenters by stating that "Americans have enough advantage, this is simply overkill." And finally the National Organization of Women (NOW) also objected to the program. While they are pleased that women are being seen as a valuable asset in some respects, they believe that this program does not fairly demonstrate a womans self worth and makes them more of a commodity to be used for the benefit of male soldiers. Time will only tell if the "Estrogen Stress" programs, as they are commonly known, will survive or if they will go the way of other well meaning failures like Agent Orange defoliation. |
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Boudreaux got him a job piloting a crew boat in the marsh for an oil
company. he was real happy. He got to run his boat through the marsh every day and he could pick out good hunting and fishing spots while he was at work. And he got paid every Friday. But when he got his second paycheck, dere was a problem. He was short a hundred bucks. He went to de boss. "Mais, look here," said Boudreaux, "Ya'll short me a hunnert dollar, for sure." De boss, him, he look at de check. "Yep. You're right. But you didn't say anything last week when I paid a yo a hundred dollars too much." Boudreaux said, "Well, yeah, I saw dat, certainement. Everybody makes a mistake ever now an' den. But when it gets to be a habit, I t'ink you should know about it." |
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Two elderly friends, Frank and Sam, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Frank didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Frank hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Frank lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Frank, but one day, Sam approached the park and –– lo and behold! –– there sat Frank! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ' What in the world happened to you?' Frank replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Frank said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' |
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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog. |
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player! |
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The World's Shortest Books:
_____________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse20Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton _______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton ________________________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton ___________________________________ MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates __________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS I Say THAT ARE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC ___________________________________ A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J.. Kevorkian __________________________________ ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel ____________________________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson _______________________________ ___ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy ___________________________________ MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* |
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady. |
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Fair is Fare
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 ," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55." |
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During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum." |
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving! You do realize this thread is in the WOMEN'S forum, right? 
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Take me as I am or go away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations.
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought......... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS...................... But I was wrong, too!" |
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Fishing License A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one." Comments at your Funeral Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving! |
I have forgotten twice ~ Deej86
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
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Originally Posted By ZenJen78:
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving! You do realize this thread is in the WOMEN'S forum, right? Yes, but it seems to be the (un)official joke thread of all Arfcom. Sorry if it upset you. Maybe I could change the donkey to a rooster? |
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Random Thoughts for Smart People Like Me....
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. That's enough, Nickelback. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me, and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. There is a great need for sarcasm font. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. Was learning cursive really necessary? LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. For example, today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Bad decisions make good stories. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like, I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. When I meet a new guy, I'm terrified of mentioning something he hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle. Then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner. |
~Cat_a_something
"Love and a .45 are all you need to get through the night. One'll kill you; one'll keep you alive. Love and a .45." ~Chris Knight
"Love and a .45 are all you need to get through the night. One'll kill you; one'll keep you alive. Love and a .45." ~Chris Knight