A wise indian once said, "bad in head, good in bed."

Sorry.
Don't by damaged goods.

I pray she will find peace.

I was in a bad marriage for 30 years and suffered decades of abuse. On top of that my teenaged son killed himself.

15 years after his death and five years after the divorce I was still screwed up badly. PTSD + a side order of Bipolar 2 = a sad life.

In 2010 i finally found a doctor who was able to get me into a manageable place.

About a year later I met Mrs Rabinowitz and we decided to get serious. One of the first people she met was my psychiatrist.  I gave them permission to discuss me behind closed doors. Mrs Rabinowitz is an RN. He gave her the unvarnished truth about me.

Afterwards I sat her down for a talk. My question was simple. Do we go foward with this thing of ours.

Obviously she said yes. When I asked her why, she said that weighing the good and the bad, I was a good choice.

If someone has a problem they need to take responsibility for it.   If they won't then walk away.

Mrs Rabinowitz says I am a great husband but I have to monitor myself and take my meds.

Don't hook up with sick people who won't take care of their emotional shit.

Then when y'all divorce and the REAL abuser gets custody they'll let their meth freinds rape your kids.

Then when you show the lightest amount of anger at your kids getting molested the judge will take away %100 of your parental rights and you'll not see your kids till they turn 18 and are asking for bail money because of their own meth problems.

Often times they are making up the "my ex abused me" just to get sympathy, when in actuality THEY are the abuser. It's called "Splitting" they go through life playing people against each other, while they sit in the middle pulling the strings.

If some woman gives you the "I was molested, my husband abused me, etc" story, RUN LIKE HELL. And damn sure don't marry them and have kids.

Run!

At least with sex abuse survivors there is kinky sex.

some fucking friend you have.  He didn't warn you about her in advance?

Pushing yourself onto her when she’s not ready makes you another abusive person in her life. Leave her alone.

eject

Nothing but heartbreak going to come out of that one.

Hell no

LOFL.  If she wasn't ready she wouldn't be throwing that pussy like it had a best by date.

We are all broken.  Life isn't a celebration or a parade.  It's a predicament.

Before this turns into a woman bashing thread, there are men AND women who suffer the same fate. There are horribly manipulative and abusive men out there too, looking for women to victimize and abuse. Frankly I figure it's about equal.

Ask your self this question.

If a romantic interest abuses you. Would you stay with them?

If someone is telling you some sob story about how they were abuse, why did they stay with that person so long ? (without kids)

Either they are lying and they are the abuser,

Or they were both abusive to each other,

AND on some level they think it's ok.

And if they think it's ok, what are they going to do to your kids, or let someone do to your kids when the almost inevitable divorce happens and they get custody...

Women especially are enabled in this behavior because society treats a woman different than a man. People fall all over themselves on TV shows when some pretty woman says she was abused, and they seem to go deaf when she talks about her own abusive behaviors, including physical. I've seen it. Many times.

If she is hot she can basically get away with murder. Or molesting young boys/girls "Not Guilty!!!" If she is fat and ugly and tells a good sob story, same thing.

The OTHER HALF

Remember, this applies to Men and Women.

Family.

If they tell you all their family and friends are trash... Or if you can find that out by other means... background checks are cheap. Court records are online.

They probably aren't the only good apple in their family of miscreants.

If half their cousins have records for meth and shit, or their first two spouses are meth trash, Or they talk about their meth trash ex's who abused them...what makes you think they are any different? IF they've been arrested twice for domestic abuse... This shit writes itself.

If they have a good family, the odds of them being a bad apple are lower. Much lower.

Frankly at this point, seeing what I've seen over the years, one would be crazy to not data mine someone if you are thinking about marrying them and having kids.

Are they fiances crap, but they are young and healthy and have a job?

Have they been evicted from every place they've ever lived?

Keep in mind people will hid this stuff from you until they think they "have" you.

Did they fuck you on the first date? Generally a bad sign, although there are obviously exceptions. Most likely (90%) they fuck everybody on the first date.

You weren't the most incredible person they ever met. Just one more sucker in a long line.

And if YOU fucked THEM on the first date.

For shame.

FOR

SHAME

I have a hard line in the sand... No mental illness. The ex was a disaster and it took me 8.5 years to shake my savior complex and get out of that shit.

After him, I refused to date anyone with mental illness or family members with it. It's not personal. Of course mental illness doesn't make someone 'bad'. It's just not something I want to deal with or babysit.

Also on my no fly list: people who can't stop being victims. Ok, little Timmy pushed you into lockers when you were a kid. It sucked. Move on.

Hookers throw pussy, too. Doesn’t mean they’re ready either or that a you should start a relationship with one.

Next...

Pre existing children. OR adoptions. OR both.

Do they have a kids whos other parent is trash?

Who they tell you (or you find out) have been molested or exposed to porn at a young age? You are about to maybe have babies with this person.

What makes you think your own kids will be safe from theirs?

If one of the kid's parents "killed" themselves after they got their 28th arrest (21 of which were for meth), and the child has been exposed to porn and/or molested by one of their friends/family,etc , why would you bring this broken child into your house to destroy your own future children?

Once a kid is ~6 years old they are who they will always be. Grade school teachers can tell which kids will be in jail later in life.

They have lists in the office.

If you are about to adopt a kid, and/or bring their child into your house, and you expect to have children with this person...

You see where this is going, right?

Actions have consequences, sometimes YEARS down the road.

In before someone here asks for her contact info.

The best thing you can do for her if you love her is tell her she needs the help of a competent therapist.

Then just stand back and give some space.

The problem will follow her around until she has someone to assist her with working through it.  The PTSD will likely never entirely go away, but it’s manageable if she has the tools.  Therapy may take years (I did 3).

As for the poster who wondered why someone abused in this fashion would return, that sounds to me like codependency.  Sometimes people stay with emotionally or physically abusive people out of some sense of trying to live up to their vows.  I did, because it seemed humiliating to me to leave a man I vowed to love.  If you think religion or spirituality has nothing to do with it, just look at Shane.  People hate to admit failure under these circumstances.

These days my PTSD only kicks up when I see someone else who shows the outward signs I had.
Several years ago I saw a woman at the Wanamacher show OK.  She had handprint bruises on her arms and I had to go sit down to get myself
together.

Mostly impossible and not worth the time.

I submit that we all have some form of mental illness.  Nobody I've met has had a Beaver Cleaver upbringing.  We all have demons, and we are all trying to figure our way in this world.  Looking for perfect is an exercise in futility.

If you've overcome the odds, then I'm happy for you.  But it isn't the norm.  Not by a long shot.

My ex came from severe abuse and was bipolar.

I did find perfect. Everyone's perfect is subjective. For me, I found someone with a healthy family and the ability to rationalize through things instead of focusing on them nonstop.

People who stay victims get trapped in their pasts and can't move forward. Of course we all have demons. We either succumb to them or recover from them.

Don't take my post to mean harsher things than it does.

Sad story, glad you got out, sounds like she knows she fucked that one up.

As far as I know my wifes first husband did not abuse her, till the end when he was running around on her, she has a lot of family baggage though.

A couple weeks after we got together I came over and found her sitting in a bedroom floor going through cds and crying.  I thought ok, she has been through some stuff (very very little I knew about at the time) and figured we all have baggage we can work through things.  If I only knew, we would not have been together long enough for me to have found her like that.

Sometimes it’s best to move on, doesn’t sound like she has quite gotten over her past. Until she does, you will be on a downward spiral relationship that will not end well.

I can dig subjective.  Moving forward is the only way to live in the now.  Recognizing that your SO has a past is part of understanding them.  If you don't know what they have overcome, then you don't know what kind of person they are.

Sig Line material right here.

Sure thing wienerman

You can do better,how could you possibly do worse?

LOFL.  You lack sufficient imagination.

Sounds like a thing to aspire to.

You didn't put up with that shit, did you?

Because you aren't broken.

If she doesn't want to be fixed, she can't be fixed.  I ask her if she wants to try and fix things first, and if she doesn't, then I would bail, and let her know why.

I did.  2020 will be my 17th year of being divorced.
I had an exceptional therapist.  I spent three years in therapy, and left right toward the end of my time in therapy.

"You love what you know."
If she grew up in an abusive home, she will subconsciously seek out a mate with the same characteristics.

Definitely move on

It's an oldie. The first time I heard it, it was a dick that shot $100 bills.

Did you ever get any verification on the dude?

Ha! And women are any better????  The sex toy industry pulls in however many billion in sales every year and the vast majority are for women, not men. Hell, if we could hear what >they< think about way more people would be getting nasty lol

And let’s not forget they’re sex drive increases in their 30’s and they become a bit more like horny teenage boys...

If you went to the store to buy a jar of pickles, would you buy the jar that was dropped on the floor and is broken? No - no you wouldn't.  The same concept applies to finding a significant other.  You didn't break it, don't buy it.

A healthy relationship is when two happy people unite.  It's impossible to make someone else happy in the long run. Trust me, I just spent the last four years of a nine year marriage trying to make someone happy who was determined to be miserable.

Did not read 5 pages.  Been there done that  . You are not Captain saves a ho. Just saying.

that is correct

She could get help, if she wanted to be helped. But you are probably not qualified to help, so you are correct that you can't help her.

I know people who came from homes where everyone was an abusive psychopath and they just got out as fast as they could and pretty much had a "bad shit happens" attitude. As a consequence, normal life became exceptionally easy for them and they don't even notice the shit that can sidetrack most of us.

It seems to be a matter of seeing yourself as a survivor or a victim. Some people do that with greater capability than others.

Don't be the test case.

Get on your mount sir white knight and ride away.

Eject op.