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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:39:24 AM EDT
[#1]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I worked for a company with some British offices. Americans constantly using British slang really started to annoy me. Off topic, but if somebody would have referred to their deuce gear as "kit" when I was a grunt we would have laughed at them. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:40:08 AM EDT
[#2]
Any time an email has "Diversity" in it. It means I am going to be told why me being white is wrong by default.
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:42:41 AM EDT
[#3]
Reaching out is what stirs you up?
 What Corporate People Sound Like |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:43:02 AM EDT
[#4]
Quote HistoryQuoted: .............. Every month the Budget Monkeys would send out an authoritarian email requiring explanations for budget variations greater than 5%. I had a stock answer that I copied and pasted to every variance; “the budget assumptions, as approved in the annual budget process, failed to materialize.” They never followed up or called me on the carpet about my response. The other managers would fret and spend a lot of energy responding. I would spend like 5 minutes on my response. ................... Reminds me of my beginning year goals and performance review. In addition to the automatic corporate laid out goals put into our performance review, we are suppose to come up with 4 or 5 individual goals that are suppose to change every year. I have been cutting and pasting the same individual business goals for the last 7+ years and nobody has caught on to that. Those goals are also filled with the nauseating corporate double speak but are wishy-washy enough that I cannot be rated below expectations on them. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:43:24 AM EDT
[#5]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Do you often HEAR people walking around saying “I will REACH OUT” to someone? I don’t. But thanks for TOUCHING BASE.  Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Isn't that just, you know, colloquial english? Do you often HEAR people walking around saying “I will REACH OUT” to someone? I don’t. But thanks for TOUCHING BASE. Yes |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:45:49 AM EDT
[#6]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Wheelhouse and, "Cycles" as in "I don't have the cycles to deal with this." "Time"... At our work, they like to use the term "delta" in place of saying "difference". Some groups are worst than others trying to sound smarter than they are rather than just use plain common English words. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:46:51 AM EDT
[#7]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Reminds me of my beginning year goals and performance review. In addition to the automatic corporate laid out goals put into our performance review, we are suppose to come up with 4 or 5 individual goals that are suppose to change every year. I have been cutting and pasting the same individual business goals for the last 7+ years and nobody has caught on to that. Those goals are also filled with the nauseating corporate double speak but are wishy-washy enough that I cannot be rated below expectations on them. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: .............. Every month the Budget Monkeys would send out an authoritarian email requiring explanations for budget variations greater than 5%. I had a stock answer that I copied and pasted to every variance; “the budget assumptions, as approved in the annual budget process, failed to materialize.” They never followed up or called me on the carpet about my response. The other managers would fret and spend a lot of energy responding. I would spend like 5 minutes on my response. ................... Reminds me of my beginning year goals and performance review. In addition to the automatic corporate laid out goals put into our performance review, we are suppose to come up with 4 or 5 individual goals that are suppose to change every year. I have been cutting and pasting the same individual business goals for the last 7+ years and nobody has caught on to that. Those goals are also filled with the nauseating corporate double speak but are wishy-washy enough that I cannot be rated below expectations on them. Both of these anecdotes are outrageously hilarious |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:46:58 AM EDT
[#8]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Isn't that just, you know, colloquial english? |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:48:15 AM EDT
[#9]
Using the word "proactive" when what you really mean is "react more quickly." Example: "Guys, we need to be more proactive about unplanned fiber cuts."
"Intentional" is another one getting a lot of play around my company. I used it in a meeting with a VP and he said "I like what you said about being intentional. This is how we are going to lean in and push this across the finish line". I really think it's a parrot game with these people. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:49:22 AM EDT
[#10]
Quote HistoryQuoted: the 30,000 foot view it's all a symptom of bullshit jobs. People with bullshit jobs use bullshit words. Easily half of white collar work doesn't actually need to exists. The biggest short term impact that AI will have is it's ability to replace millions of white collar bullshit jobs. I worked for a large multinational and I swear they would have meetings about planning other meetings. Meetings were the product. That and the flavor of the month corporate management trendy program. That last part reminded me of a weekend "pajama party" (off site meeting) on the AV-8B program. The outcome was a list of the program's products; drawings, EO's, salvage documentation, the general over burden of bs. Airplanes were not a product. Management lingo is intended to be clever, a demonstration of the manager's problem solving prowess. Not their ability to lead or do the BA part of MBA. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:50:06 AM EDT
[#11]
We have a quarterly meeting in a few minutes. I should have bingo cards made up with all the stupid corporate phrases and buzzwords on them
LASER FOCUSED will be in the center |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:51:15 AM EDT
[#12]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Do you often HEAR people walking around saying "I will REACH OUT" to someone? I don't. But thanks for TOUCHING BASE. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:52:51 AM EDT
[#13]
I hope this post finds you well...
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:54:57 AM EDT
[#14]
Start making up some gibberish stuff to post in your return emails.
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:55:53 AM EDT
[#15]
Out of pocket.
Downrange. "I appreciate you." - When did this happen - I always say 'I appreciate your time, or that" All from military clientele - |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:55:56 AM EDT
[#16]
Quote HistoryQuoted: the 30,000 foot view it's all a symptom of bullshit jobs. People with bullshit jobs use bullshit words. Easily half of white collar work doesn't actually need to exists. The biggest short term impact that AI will have is it's ability to replace millions of white collar bullshit jobs. I worked for a large multinational and I swear they would have meetings about planning other meetings. Meetings were the product. That and the flavor of the month corporate management trendy program. Most all of the terms mentioned have their meaning and place. This is just a thread to bitch. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 10:56:55 AM EDT
[#17]
I'll check my notes on tarded stuff and circle back to you.
ETA when i read these threads I wonder how many of you I might actually work with 
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:02:45 AM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Using the word "proactive" when what you really mean is "react more quickly." Example: "Guys, we need to be more proactive about unplanned fiber cuts." |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:07:03 AM EDT
[#19]
Quote HistoryThat is a fantastic ad. I'm now interested in Zoomphone.
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:07:29 AM EDT
[#20]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Using the word "proactive" when what you really mean is "react more quickly." Example: "Guys, we need to be more proactive about unplanned fiber cuts." Yeah, actually being proactive would mean performing upgrades, having extra staff, or procuring extra resources for backups, etc. But that means spending money. Can't do that! |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:11:00 AM EDT
[#21]
Quote HistoryQuoted: OP needs to circle back on the project as it lacks the synergy created through buy in from the other posters in peer ARF departments Having periodic touch points will remedy this. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:13:20 AM EDT
[#22]
The one I've been hearing lately that makes me roll my eyes is "Operationalize our cadence", which is just look how smart I am corporate speak for "Schedule a meeting".
My eyes almost roll out of my head when I hear it. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:13:49 AM EDT
[#23]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Mine is not a Tarted Corporate Email expression but Tarded Corporate processes. Every month the Budget Monkeys would send out an authoritarian email requiring explanations for budget variations greater than 5%. I had a stock answer that I copied and pasted to every variance; “the budget assumptions, as approved in the annual budget process, failed to materialize.” They never followed up or called me on the carpet about my response. The other managers would fret and spend a lot of energy responding. I would spend like 5 minutes on my response. When it was the TQM fad of having the word “Services” in every department name, I was on the name changing committee. I was successful in slipping the in the name change for Human Resources to Personal Management Services, following the trend for Information Technology Services, Building Services, Accounting System Services, and so on. In typical fashion of corporate culture there is always someone who takes credit for someone else’s work efforts or ideas. This time I let them do it and even encouraged it. It made it all the way up the food chain to the 1st Vice President before she pointed out that having departments with the initials of PMS, ITS, BS, and ASS was not the image she was wanting to portray even though there was some truth to the name changes. My saving grace was the 1stVP had the same sense of humor that I had. You are my hero. I wish we were organized enough where I work to even have consistent names for organizations. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:16:19 AM EDT
[#24]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I'll check my notes on tarded stuff and circle back to you. ETA when i read these threads I wonder how many of you I might actually work with Loop me in on when you're ready to scale up that value-add to all stakeholders via multiple exposure so we have that in-house going forward. Brief me on which metrics we will use. I'll be out of pocket until COB tomorrow and then downrange the day after. VR |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:19:22 AM EDT
[#25]
I love "you need to find the root cause, with an actual root cause analysis"
You want the root cause...the employee is a moron, the root cause is you hired him.
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:20:49 AM EDT
[#26]
One of my former managers commented that I send out what he termed "Fuck You! Strong memo to follow!!!" emails.
My emails tend to have a certain...style to them. 
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:22:42 AM EDT
[#27]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I love "you need to find the root cause, with an actual root cause analysis" You want the root cause...the employee is a moron, the root cause is you hired him.
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:22:46 AM EDT
[#28]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I love "you need to find the root cause, with an actual root cause analysis" You want the root cause...the employee is a moron, the root cause is you hired him. Sounds like someone doesn't know how to poka-yoke. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:25:44 AM EDT
[#29]
Quote HistoryQuoted: So only those of you "in the weeds" have real jobs? Most all of the terms mentioned have their meaning and place. This is just a thread to bitch. Look, we’re LEVERAGING THE SYNERGIES. But thank you for TOUCHING BASE with your comment. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:32:55 AM EDT
[#30]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Proactive is acting to diminish the impact of a potential future issue. When a company is "proactive" about fiber cuts, they figure out how to ways to continue the business operation when their data doesn't work, implement their ideas, and test them. So it's literally the opposite of what you said. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Using the word "proactive" when what you really mean is "react more quickly." Example: "Guys, we need to be more proactive about unplanned fiber cuts." In the context in which it was used, they specifically were asking the team to avoid the unpredictable. Best handled by catching the person later in private and explaining things. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:42:15 AM EDT
[#31]
OP needs to get his ducks in a row.
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:43:30 AM EDT
[#32]
Quote HistoryQuoted: OP needs to get his ducks in a row. How else would you get the low hanging fruit? |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:46:39 AM EDT
[#33]
I hate when people use the term "hone in on" when they mean "home in on".
To home in - like a missile, means to identify the target of interest To hone in - like sharpening a blade, means to make the target or resultant action more finely tuned to the task. You can't hone in on anything before you home in on it. "We really need to hone in on the root cause of this accident." 
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:48:56 AM EDT
[#34]
Quote HistoryQuoted: on board, either as a noun or verb. Offboarded - you mean fired? |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:49:33 AM EDT
[#35]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Isn't that just, you know, colloquial english? Exactly. Does OP also complain that people say "Kleenex" instead of "facial tissue", or get irritated when someone talks about "scotch tape" instead of "cellophane tape"? There are plenty of stupid corporatism expressions, but this isn't one of them.... normal people outside the office say this all the time. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:55:41 AM EDT
[#36]
"Optics"
I hate that so much I forbade my staff from using it when I was a base commander. My PIO didn't know what to do. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:56:20 AM EDT
[#37]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Using the word "proactive" when what you really mean is "react more quickly." Example: "Guys, we need to be more proactive about unplanned fiber cuts." ... That one's huge where I work. I feel like Inigo Montoya. They keep using that word, but I don't think they know what it means. There is rarely anything in their proposed solutions that is actually proactive. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:56:35 AM EDT
[#38]
Quote HistoryQuoted: reach out, touch base and circle back are already covered here. I hate managers who say "I have one ask..."- I've heard it stated that's not even correct English, but it has caught on during video presentations to motivate employees. And those who use this and other corporate speak are fucking ID10T suck ups. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:57:57 AM EDT
[#39]
Quote HistoryQuoted: In the context in which it was used, they specifically were asking the team to avoid the unpredictable. Best handled by catching the person later in private and explaining things. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Quoted: Using the word "proactive" when what you really mean is "react more quickly." Example: "Guys, we need to be more proactive about unplanned fiber cuts." In the context in which it was used, they specifically were asking the team to avoid the unpredictable. Best handled by catching the person later in private and explaining things. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:58:54 AM EDT
[#40]
Quote HistoryQuoted: How else would you get the low hanging fruit? Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: OP needs to get his ducks in a row. How else would you get the low hanging fruit? |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:59:31 AM EDT
[#41]
Quote HistoryQuoted: "I have an ask". Ask is not a noun,- you have a request, not an "ask". I believe it’s pronounced “axe”  Town Hall - nothing to do with the town, and not a forum…just one guy blabbing and lying Happy to Discuss (when closing an email) - no you’re not C-Suite - chiefs and chairmen? Run it up the Flagpole - the people who use it are likely the same people who probably hate the US flag |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:59:33 AM EDT
[#42]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Proactive is acting to diminish the impact of a potential future issue. When a company is "proactive" about fiber cuts, they figure out how to ways to continue the business operation when their data doesn't work, implement their ideas, and test them. So it's literally the opposite of what you said. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: Using the word "proactive" when what you really mean is "react more quickly." Example: "Guys, we need to be more proactive about unplanned fiber cuts." ... you assume they are using it correctly. I read that as, all they do is work plans to react more quickly to the outage, as opposed to actually anticipating another outage and having processes in place to mitigate their impact. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 11:59:44 AM EDT
[#43]
I'm tired of partnering with others..
especially stupid mother fuckers.. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 12:13:58 PM EDT
[#44]
Quote HistoryQuoted: ... you assume they are using it correctly. I read that as, all they do is work plans to react more quickly to the outage, as opposed to actually anticipating another outage and having processes in place to mitigate their impact. It's kinda weird, because we actually did have a project to be more proactive about unexpected fiber cuts years ago. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 12:20:05 PM EDT
[#45]
Quote HistoryQuoted: That's true, I did. I was since corrected. It's kinda weird, because we actually did have a project to be more proactive about unexpected fiber cuts years ago. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: ... you assume they are using it correctly. I read that as, all they do is work plans to react more quickly to the outage, as opposed to actually anticipating another outage and having processes in place to mitigate their impact. It's kinda weird, because we actually did have a project to be more proactive about unexpected fiber cuts years ago. Sorry, didn't read down far enough. I think I was more generous in my interpretation, because I live that hell daily. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 12:21:52 PM EDT
[#46]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Touch base and reach out have been used long before email was a thing. I hear them on the phone regularly. I'm not even in the corporate world and I regularly get "circle back" in my emails....which seems redundant when we are already talking about it. In the immortal words of the late 20th century philosopher Luther Vandross, "reach out, reach out and touch someone..... reach out, call up and just say hi...." |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 12:27:11 PM EDT
[#47]
The number one phrase in corporate America that I despise.
"YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US" |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 12:32:34 PM EDT
[#48]
Quote HistoryQuoted: The number one phrase in corporate America that I despise. "YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US" ... so we'll keep you on hold for 45 more minutes before inexplicably cutting you off. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 12:33:39 PM EDT
[#49]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Guys use that here. Constantly. I HATE this one. Quote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: The one that goes right through me is "ping", as in I'll ping (reach out to, lol) him. Guys use that here. Constantly. I HATE this one. It actually has a use, tho. If someone in the firm says they’re going to ping me I specifically know they will instant message me; not to be looking for a call or email. So it does have at least some specificity in some companies. |
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Posted: 4/19/2023 12:33:43 PM EDT
[#50]
Quote HistoryQuoted: The number one phrase in corporate America that I despise. "YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US" The one that usually proceeds this and really chaps my hide is: "We are currently experiencing higher than normal call volumes..." LIES. You cannot have "higher than normal" call volumes every single day you are open, for months or even years on end. You simply are understaffing your call center for additional profit. |
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