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Eye see what you did there...


BTW, I found your mag pouch that you left at the range ...


And one more...


And an old classic.. Click the picture!!
Don't like squirrels??? CLICK ME!!!

 

Old Harold..............


Old Harold is a man with a plan!!

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, with lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks,"Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?"

"SEX!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"

deleted, sorry

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G90YcgwAZTM[/youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G90YcgwAZTM]

I found this treasure last night.

You think that's funny???
<Redacted my previous statement.  Poster was trying to be funny, but slipped up.  Action corrected & now moving on. -SS>

-SleeperShooter

ETA:  Pic thread...

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h309/oxfordethan/4721F038-DFB6-451C-9F0D-449749F2493C-1312-000000F5E55C076D.jpg

I got nothing.

Lighten up, Francis.

I bet you're still pissed that people joke about the Challenger blowing up, too.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVwKKaf-c2c

you shut yer blaspheming mouth.

Want to hear a short joke about Nirvana?

Nevermind





What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto





Chuck Norris doesnt flush the toilet

He scares the shit out of it

The first time i saw this, I laughed so hard that I woke up my wife, who was in the next room.


[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgnfqysyNe8[/youtube]

Lemme help you with that embed.  

Settlers heading West in a wagon train spotted smoke on a hill in the distance and decided to circle their wagons before nightfall. Supper was cooked and nervously ate with everyone's mind wondering what the coming night would bring. Just after dark a drum began to beat and the men told the women to hide while they took up defensive positions among the wagons. Jim and John decided to go on a scouting mission and slipped outside the safety of the circled wagons.

As the two men moved farther West they could no longer see the fires from the circled wagons and decided to hide in the bushes. As they crouched down in the bushes the drum playing became louder and faster. Jim whispered to John, " I don't like the sound of that drum."  A voice replied, " I don't either, he's not our regular drummer."

Thank you... i'm not sure why that won't work for me...

Easy Answer.  You're not a team member.  

A few guys sit down in a pub and they get to talking to a man everyone calls O'Malley the Goat Fucker.

Naturally, they're intrigued at such an absurd name and get to asking him how he got it.

O'Malley sighs, takes a sip and says to the guys, "Well, ya see that bridge over there?"

They all nod their heads.

"We'll, I built that bridge.... brick fer brick, stone for stone. They don't call me O'Malley the Bridge Builder."

The men look at one another, confused, then back at O'Malley.

The irishman continues, "Now tell me, gentlemen... do ya see that church over there?"

"Yeah." the men respond.

"Well, I built that church," he says. "Brick fer brick, stone fer stone! They don't call me O'Malley the Church-Builder.


But you fuck ONE goat....."

GUY IS SITTING IN A BAR KID WALKS IN WITH ALL DIFFERANT COLORED HAIR SITS DOWN THE GUY KEEPS LOOKING AT THE KID FINALY THE KID SAYS DIDNT YOU EVER DO ANYTHING WILD AND CRAZY WHEN YOU WERE A KID THE GUY SAYS YA I FUCK A PEACOCK ONCE I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE MY KID

TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.


BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit


UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

two aliens crash land in the west texas desert....just outside a very small town.
as the aliens approach, they first notice and attempt communication with a gas pump.
(they didn't see any people around, and don't know any better)
the first alien, obviously the leader, steps up and addresses the gas pump in front of him,
"greetings, earthling! we come in peace! please, take us to your leader."
a few seconds go by, and after no response the little guy repeats, a little louder,
"greetings! we come in peace, take us to your leader!"
again, there is no answer....it's a gas pump....
the alien gets visibly upset at this point and starts screaming at the gas pump,
"How dare you disrespect me with your silence! we come in peace, and you ignore our good will??!! if you do not take us to your leader, i will be forced to fire upon you! *draws weapon*"
now, the second alien has been standing slightly back watching all this take place, and when he sees his friend pull his gun he shouts "NOOOOOO!!!!!" and jumps to grab the weapon from his buddies hand.....
but, it was too late...
BBBOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
when the first alien fired, the explosion was so big it blew them about 200 yards back out into the desert where they landed in a crumpled, unconscious mess....
they both regained their senses a few minutes later, the shooter being the first to speak:
"my! that was a powerful foe! tell me, how did you know he was such a dangerous enemy?"
the second alien replies, " listen, in all my travels i've been around the universe a time or two, and one thing i've learned is,
any guy who can wrap his pecker around himself twice and still stick it in his own ear, is a guy you don't want to fuck with!"

A duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to a stool, hops up, looks at the barkeep and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The barkeep says, "No, all out of duck food."

The duck says, "Okay." And he leaves.

The next night, the same duck walks into the same bar. Waddles up to the same stool, hops up, looks at the same barkeep and asks, "Got any duck food?"

A little annoyed, the barkeep replies, "No, we don't have any duck food, and we won't get any soon. Now scram."

The duck says, "Okay." And he leaves.

The next night, the duck is back again. Waddles to the same stool, hops up, looks at the same barkeep and asks, "Got any duck food?"

By this time, the barkeep is well and truly pissed. So he goes off. "Look, we've never had duck food, we never will get duck food, and I swear to God if you come in here again asking for duck food I will nail your little webbed feet right to this fucking bar!!! Now GET LOST!!!"

The duck says, "Okay." And he leaves.








The duck, obviously insane, returns for a fourth night. He waddles right up to the stool, hops up, and just looks at the barkeep.

"What?" The barkeep growls.

"Got any....nails?"

Surprised by the question, the barkeep looks around. "No," he replies, "we don't have any nails, why?"

"Got any duck food, bitch?"

BTT

The local drunk (Stanley Smith) passed away and as the undertakers were prepping his body,  one decided to snap a pic of his giant dong. By the way this thing was huge. (Like down to your knee huge)

That evening the undertaker came home and showed his wife the pic on his phone. The wife let out a huge gasp and screamed..."OH MY GOD!!!.......STANLEY SMITH IS DEAD!!!??

Edna and Ralph have been married for 50 years. They're both sitting in the living room watching their favorite tv evangelist. The evangelist says that with his connection to the lord he can heal his followers of their ailments through the tv. All he requires is that they place a hand on the tv and the other on the body part that ails them. Edna stands and puts her hand on the tv set and the other on her arthritic hip, Ralph stands, puts a hand the tv set, and the other on his crotch. Edna looks at him and says, "Ralph you old idiot, the man said he could heal you, not bring back the dead."

Grand Theft Auto: Asian Women Drivers

Why don't men like to go down on women in the morning?...
























Ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich...

Crow Mystery Solved


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there
was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,
and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

Massachusetts Turnpike Authority then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the
disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

What do you call in anorexic with a yeast infection??
Click To View Spoiler